mother earth lives in oregon. on MY beach.

i was walking, off to my reading spot. and there she was. right above where i sit. the recent rains must have brought her out.

she faces the sea. and there she sits. watching. i sat at her feet and cried like a child .

her substantial breast and open lap await those looking for her.


and so i sat and prayed. and cried again.

my guess is that with mother earth and mother ocean sitting side by side the energy is incredibly strong.

with the ear of the earth and the ocean, i demanded more. for myself and for my friends.

as i finished, the sky opended and sheets of rain fell full and fast. the red clay began to run downt he sand below her and i knew that a birth was occuring.

thank you and happiest of new years

i wish peace, love and happiness to everyone i know.

i lit a white candle in the window tonight, the light meant to shine warmth on my loved ones. the white for purity and peace. i pray that warm white light reaches those i love the most. i pray the sight of the candle brings peace to those who see it. i pray that the wind that rolls tonight carry my prayers across the many miles to my family and friends. i pray that the rain that falls tonight cleanses the earth and refreshes those upon it.

my holiday wish list:
to my parents i wish comfort of thought
to my brother i wish abstinence and airplanes
to amy s i wish quiet moments
to amy l i wish forgiveness
to barb i wish creation
to dave i wish market smarts
to egan i wish cheese
to brian i wish, naw you got married, you got your wish...
to tim i wish continued laughter at seniors
to stan i wish happy ports of call
to ryan i wish kindness
to my coworkers i wish a start date
to vinnie i wish bliss, it does exist
to pie i wish open eyes
to toby i wish green acres
to josh i wish better company
to jim i wish i knew
to devin i wish the rapture of first love
to portia i wish continued courage of conviction, and fewer roast beef jokes
to kathy i wish his vacuum worked (and for pictures)
to all else, i wish the beauty of a moment shared, and the appreciation for what we have, for who we are, and for what we can create.

blessed be.

months ago i stood stagnant and sinking in a city i'd once loved. a single word had encroached upon the forefront of my mind and brought me to tears of sadness and loss.

sanctuary

today, as i walked along the water's edge, her frothy fingers baptizing me lightly, the word returned. but this time with a smile and lightness and tears.

sanctuary

mother blessed me with that. and the stillness of mind that it brought was so profound that i found myself writing the word in the sand. my marker. my flag. i had claimed my sanctuary on this shore.

i walked farther. sat on my rocks. watched as black birds floated on the white caps of the ocean. the sea was turning cartwheels on herself. tumultuous and full bodied. but the birds sat quiet, lilting. natural black buoys just off the rocks. and that was how i felt. buoyed and lifted, calm despite the storm.

i prayed and asked mother once again to allow me to embody her grace, strength, beauty and power. i asked that she bestow on me her powers of creation and destruction. and she came to me. rolling just up to where i stood, allowing me to bend to her, dip my hand and return the kiss.

i asked that the wind lead me in the right direction. and at the moment a gust blew from behind me and caught my hair. i couldn't see beyond the tangled mess, but trusted that the nudge from the wind was my answer. she would take me where i needed to go if i simply trusted her.

i have never felt more at home, more loved, more cared for, than when i'm on the beach, the ocean breathing and heaving before me.

yemaya, mother ocean, water goddess, bless and keep me.

blessed be.

ten years ago i would have died.

five years ago i would have sunken into the depths of despair.

two years ago i would have wretched and recoiled.

a year ago i would have spent hours worrying about it and wondering how to make it right.

today, last night, now. no. sure, it felt as though i'd been punched in the stomach to hear someone i've cared so deeply for call me self-conscious, self-effacing, and "playing stupid". but it's okay. and who am i to tell him that his opinion is wrong, to fight him, to try to change his mind? no. i allow him that. it doesn't effect me too badly. sure, i don't like that he sees me that way. but he also hears only his own voice. the rest of us are fools, fodder or mute to him. i love him still. he's a beautiful person. and i love him even more for allowing me to see even clearer my own strength.

when she wakes
she's reminded
of life that
dreams erased


i have this friend. dave. he's lovely. an amazing person.
you can't tell his quiet, it's either shyness or arrogance.
he listens to music with entire being. he feels it.
he doesn't know how wonderful he really is, though i know people tell him.
be pursued my boy! languish in the attention and attraction of others. know that it is deserved.
you're truly beautiful, from every angle i could i see, and i know i saw only a few.

the seal returned today.

i'd been praying/talking/meditating. i had just tasted the water when she returned.

she didn't have to walk the whole way of the beach with me this time. i think she knows that i understand now.

she simply poked her head up. looked steadily at me and dove off.

i think she may be my guide.

bless you mother ocean, sister sea and the powers that reside within me.

i had the most amazing walk the other day.

tigger and i had just finished our run. she lags a bit on the last half mile, but she does it because she knows there is promise of an end soon in sight.

after the run, i had promised her a trip down to the beach, to chase birds. we walked and picked up rocks (ryan, i think i found one of those fossilized wood pieces you were looking for). we got down to my reading rocks. some asinine individual up on fisherman's rock thought it was okay to talk to me. luckily i could see that the conversation would forever exist on a monosyllabic plane and cut my losses quickly. i harnessed up the dog and started walking back. i was talking to my dear mother ocean, sister sea, asking for things, praying, meditating. i ended on so 'mote it be' and looked to the side. there, just at the drop off about 30 feet away, was a seal. bobbing along. i tried to get tig to look and it was horrendous trouble holding myself back from walking just a little, just a little farther into the water. as we walked, the seal swam with us. kept pace right along side up. once in a while she would dip under and be gone for a minute or so, and tig and i would slow down a little but not too much. and there she would be again. right in line with us. the seal stayed directly to my left the entire time, until i got back to the beach access and then disappeared.

i'm taking this as a sign that the ocean has been listening to me and blesses me. and maybe (vinnie) it was the oceans way of telling me that i can be her when i grow up!