the new tatoo 

niki is feeling better. she's doing her best to take over my life, but she's doing better. rita looks at me for all the answers as if i am the expert on suicide. i'm not even the expert on my own, i can't be expected to be the expert on niki's.

portia is leaving in two months.

went out with philosophy boy. nice enough once he loosened up, just not really what i'm looking for. no spark, no connection. and i get mad when guys do this to me.

still holding my breath for pi or toby i suppose.

i nearly lost a friend yesterday.

niki came over to watch a movie, then left for dinner. 30 minutes later i took tig out for a walk. i noticed people staring up at the building, but didn't want to be one of the gawkers, so i walked on, only glimpsing. there was a slim, white figure at the top of the building. ethereal looking really, with the exception of a dark mass in the middle of it. i walked. the crowd grew. i looked again and thought it couldn't be. on my way inside i passed a man on the street holding a cell phone at his side and his eyes to the roof. i asked if anyone had called the police, and he said no, and i suggested he do it. i went in and grabbed my own phone to call niki and rita, but there was no answer. outside, someone asked me, do you think she'll jump? i said i didn't know, that i was trying to figure out if it was my friend. an officer arrived at her side, climbed over the fence and grabbed her. NO was screamed and she buckled, but was safe.

i ran to their apartment, no answer at the door, but it was unlocked. i waited. rita arrived and told me niki had gone to the roof, i said i knew. she said she couldn't find her keys, i told her to go, that i would look for them. i searcher her bag 4 times and never saw them.

i didn't know where to be. with them, my house, their house. i was so lost. i knew what it must have been to watch me go through the same things. it brought back every time i had thought of climbing over that same fence.

she's safe, she's admitted. i talked to rita for a couple hours this morning. she kept looking to me for answers, but i don't really have any to give. i can explain parts of my own attempts and how niki might have been feeling, but i don't know. as long as i can concentrate on her and what she needs, this wont hit me too hard for a while.

today's misinterpretation was more of a miscalculation.

kristian is a kind person, but i have no desire to know him. my time with him is obligation rather than obliged. i hate to feel that way. i think i may have hurt him and i don't know why i did. maybe it's because he hurt me initially, so i feel responsible for returning the disfavor.

my new friend sharon: i suppose my miscalucation here was once again assuming that others think like i do. she has taken it upon herself to contact my singer boy on my behalf. mortification. i suppose there is the off chance that it could turn out well, but in all likelihood what has really happened is that i now have one less bar to hang out at.

the artist: any minute now he will achieve nirvana and leave the rest of us behind. maybe his spiritual questing comes from his father being a minister. i can't help finding him simple and contrived for it. this too, will likely come to bite me in the ass.

philosophy boy: still have yet to meet. my current impression is that he is incredibly smart and will only be able to look down on me/ talk down to me. i can do that myself! and then i don't have to share the pizza or the covers. i get ahead of myself.

i was asked today to define art. definitions are labels are limitations are compartmentalizations are simplifications. i understand the need to label somethings in order to have clear, mass understanding. pineapple pizza is the same thing whether i order it from aroma or pizza hut. how can you do the same thing to something like art. it's an abstract concept, an essence. that's the only definition/label that i will give it.

the river is everywhere at once. just watched siddhartha. what i got was that we don't need to worry about more time (something we are eternally asking/begging/praying/wishing for) if we accept the moment.

did i miss that too?

i don't want to be still, to yeild, to disappear.
i don't want to be alone.
i want to flourish, i want to be.

hoping just to see the trees for the trees, fuck the forest 

i dreamt last night of the boy who never touched me. the boy i think wanted to,but never dared. could it really be that 13 years later, rejections and loneliness call upon dreams of devin geyer.

we were twentysomething and involved in some sort of class or project, paired together (by choice or not i couldn't tell). i loved him so much and was so infatuated, i did everything i could think of to beguile the boy that beguiled me. shirt straps fallen, exposed breast, brushing up against (in an innocent way at first), but to no avail. he never touched back. he would look from time to time and seemed pensive at times.

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

dating turns out to be the last thing in the world I enjoy. yes, it falls far behind jumping off the building and landing on a bicycle with no seat. feels about the same. there's exhilaration in the jump, the fall, the breathlessness and anxiety. but the landing...that's pretty much the wake up call and it sucks.

3 dates in the last month. one, kristian, wants to be friends (i think). he has a stellar ability to live life in a constant state of ambiguity. two, kevin, is looking for his ideal woman. guess what? i'm not it. and this guy, he was the one i actually liked, could see hanging out with and getting to know. so, of course, i wasn't for him. the third, i don't remember his name, but really just a grown up frat boy into extreme frisbee or something.

now, 8 hours at festivals this weekend, wandering the city through a maze of people. music festival should have been a playground for long-haired boys. book fair, well, not much difference. not a bite. not a word. not a smile. not a hint of interest from anyone but a 50ish man, drunken and creepy.

a singer, strong eyes, sumptuous voice, (and without a doubt) flowing hair. my inhibibtions and fears of rejection kept me too far away. there may have been a smile in there, but i couldn't tell for sure. day two at the festival and i worked up the courage to walk by and congratulate them on their sound. he was courteous, kind, and for all intents and purposes, uninterested.

wanda may have been right, that i can be intimidating. i tend to give off a 'don't talk to me' thing, because i don't know how to talk to them. i seem to have lost the nack for flighty, flirty, foolish conversation and lash batting.