the boy is too nice. i like him and it's killing me. but i'm handling it well...so far.

went to the show saturday night. he was prompted (round about) to call me by sharon. told me where the show was and said it was cool if i came. ended up hanging out with them afterwards, going to nicks for a couple drinks, then invited him over to watch a movie (5am). he stayed until about 10 that morning. we talked, watched the dreamers, and played around for a bit. i reassured him that i liked him, wanted to get to know him better, but have no expectations. he responded pretty well to this. this of course in no way means that i don't have hopes or wishes about any outcomes.

couple crazy dreams last night. lots of snakes. bit by one really big one. i don't know how it progressed to that point, but i woke up twisting around a lot (guessing i was trying to get away) and may have screamed. then, i looked at the other side of the bed and wondered where pie was. my first thought was that he left because i was snoring, or just wanted to get out of there. then after a minute, i realized he never had been there. probably ties into the lucid dreaming that he and i had been talking about a couple days before. it scares me a bit though that i woke up looking for him.

donna is doing well in her new job.

portia is aclimating, but having a rough time missing her boy.

that's really all i've got.

portia is gone. off to florida. not the same without her here.

the boy hasn't called. maybe there is still a 4 day waiting period. i figure he should be getting hungry about that time and call. wish he would.

i'm handing it all off to the universe and the goddesses that have treated me so lovingly. i know that they will take care of me. i try not to ask for anything that would infringe on anyone else. i want him to find comfort and peace. if i can give that... great. i want to be good to him and for him. if that means being his friend or more...great. i still would love to get to know him better, but i've put my faith in the possibilities of the goddess. she is aware of far more ways than me.

blessed be, so mote it be.

breathe in
taste the sky
envelop the universe
take in all the beauty
this viseral life allows.
pray at the alter
of the sensual,
give alms of life,
blood and sex.
drink in happiness
and savor contentment
like an infant at mother's breast.
cry boiling tears
letting the pain in rivers
flow and be released.

most girls realize things at a faster rate than i do. they must, or there wouldn't be any women left in the world, just a survival of the fittest thing.

portia showed up about an hour late last night. with her new love. i'm happy for her, but i was so pissed. her excuse was that she didn't think i would be alone. so that's okay, right? i was a little mean to her and the boy, but, really. she's staying an extra week just to spend time with him. the same thing happened when she was datin scott. i get brushed aside easily.

pi didn't show last night. and i was pretty too. turns out he's taking th break up with his ex pretty harshly. her friend is telling her that pi is psycho and he's hurt. so last night i guess he took to the road to clear his head. sharon says he's calling to keep her posted. i'm starting to think i need to let this one go. and even though i don't know him, i hate that he's hurting. he seems a bit like a lost pup.

josh asked if he had done anything inappropriate last week. i told him he was fine, that he was drunk, and that we're fine. then before he left, he told me, 'i hear last week that you're not attracted to me, and it's okay'. i told him i wanted to get to know him, and he said, 'i know, it's fine'.

most girls would see what's in front of them, right? great guys, trees, big fucking signs, shit like that. so glad i'm not most girls. how dull would that be?!

anyway, i think i've got deepa's job. which is good, 'cause i'm broke. surprised?

i hope pi weathers this well. i'd like to see him come out of it. i'd like a chance to know him.

percodan and pecan pie
dull the pain
fill the void.

my dating anticks have held still over the last few days. refreshing.

i did end up going to tt's last night for donna's party. only stayed half an hour and didn't get to the back to say hello to josh. i'm sure it was terribly rude of me and i'm kicking myself for my complete lack of spine, but i figure if there's going to be a conversation or yucky moment of me trying my damnedest to let him down lightly, it should happen when he isn't working.

pi never called. he of course calls sharon, but they're friends, so why shouldn't he. i'm just the girl that pants his name in my sleep and writes bad poety about him:

the church i've constructed
makes propheses of us.
you, a divine idol
adorning every wall and verse.
i await your baptismal touch
in near virginal vestiments
having been so long since loved
i believe yours will redeem me.
like any good messiah
you remain unexplained to me
a mystery of bark eyes
and a voice like the second coming.
i await your sacrament
a communion mass for us,
to take your body and blood into mine,
my tongue stretched toward salvation.
my prayers more incantation,
the power of you compells me.

just incase you ever wondered just how bad the bad poety was. wonder no more.

deepa walked out for what i thought was a coffee break on friday. turns out she walked out for a 6 week leave of absense and didn't tell me. frank and jenn have asked me to be the interim dcs for the next 6 weeks. i'm a little nervous because i don't know what to do, but i'm hoping that it will at least run more smoothly and happily than it did with her around.

all attempts at being in the same place, same time with pi have been bust. i odn't know what else to do other than just get the boy on the phone and ask him out. kania thinks this is best. maybe i'll get a chance this week.

i miss being in love and i miss being loved. i miss the intimacy and the stupidity. waking alone, coming home to no one, and going to bed alone, day after day, have to be the hardest things to do. i want to be open to love. to whatever form it comes in. but i also want a chance with the fantasy boy