It's been awhile

It's been a while. I've been busy.

Good busy.

Been in school. Almost at the end now. One more term of classes then practicum and internship.

I know, it seems so close, can you believe it's taken this long?

But it's good. I'm enjoying it.

Work, is hardly work.

They are an amazing family full of love and fun and everything I would want if I had one (marriage and kids type family, that is).

They are good to me. I do my best to be good to and for them.

I'm enjoying him too. Cole.

I know, going on... what?... 3 years!

And, I think he still likes me. Most of the time.

We fit well together.

Family is good too.

My brother is miles away, always, doing something fantastic, always.

My parents are enjoying some retirement. Happy and healthy by all accounts.

Life is pretty good.

There are moments though, of course. Moments where I'm not sure who I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing or why. Moments that seem to stretch a little too long. Moments that are lonely. But...

Life is pretty good.

I'm (this is gonna sound strange) glad to be here.

Glad to be.

Glad.

silence

If I close my eyes and my ears tightly to the world around me, I am able to hear my own silence.

My silence does not question me, my appearance, my values or my thoughts.

My silence does not ask me to validate myself.

My silence does not beat me black and blue with unanswerable questions.

My silence does not ask for what it beyond it.

My silence is not sarcastic or cynical or judgmental.

My silence does not wonder if it's better off with someone else.

My silence sees only what is before me now and the beauty it has in the present.

My silence hears only my heartbeat and my breath.

My silence speaks to me simply with love and acceptance.

I wish you could experience my silence, and with it, experience me.

what would you tell him?

if you could actually speak your mind fully, what would you tell him?

would you tell him that you sleep better when he's around because just waking from a nighmare and seeing his face makes it okay to fall back to sleep? would you tell him that when he isn't there you occasionally wake expecting him and your heart falters when you realize he isn't, or you're hit with a sudden fear that he left int he night?

would you tell him that when he holds you you can feel yourself melt away into him? that every stress and strain from the day is eased simply by his arms around you? would you mention that his hand holding yours leads to butterflies in your stomach?

would you tell him that you laugh more with him than with anyone else? every movie reference, every silly voice, every mocking dance step causes a smile to creep over the entirety of your body, does he know? would you tell him?

does he know that you try harder for him? that you do things you wouldn't normally because of him? would you let him know that you wouldn't have gone ddown that cliff for anyone else, but that the private beach at the end made all the difference?

would you tell him that you love the way he trains your dog and that NO ONE else is allowed to do that?

would you tell him that he allows you to feel comfortable with your body?

would you tell him you love him?

would you tell him you need to hear that he loves you? he throws the little ones in there, like, "you're dumb, but i still love you".

would you tell him?

what would you need in order to tell him? what would he need to do? what would you need to see, hear or feel?

i'm waiting for the answers and biting my tongue.

aftermath

it went well.

he did what needed to be done, and beyond. almost as if he had read that last post.

he held my hand, he brushed my hair back. he did everything right.

i love him i love him i love him.

what's next?

and now there's the rumor of the lanky blond twenty-something he was with at the 'cruise' just a couple weeks ago... before i found out i was pregnant... before he took me to belgium... before...

so who is she? what is she to him? did he fuck her? did he kiss her?

and LA chick, well she has friends who are friends with my friends, and they talked. they didn't know about eachother's acquintances. she said she would tell LA chick because she "didn't have the heart", and that "no, he's dating MY friend", and "her father would kill him if he found out".

and maybe it's just my hormones starting to fuck with me... maybe it's the praying for spontaneous hemorhagic bleeding... maybe it's not having the $430 to take care of our mistake... or maybe it's still trying to decide if i even want to tell him.

regardless, there always seems to be something.

but the trip to belgium was amazing.

i seem to have lost some immediacy, some urgency. your hunger for me seems to have satiated a little. is it because of my intoxicated words left carelessly about? is it because you can sense that i want this more than you?

you haven't left. you're still here. you're simply here less.

it used to be days and days at a time. now it's less.

but simple tendernesses and sweetness still take me by surprise. the dandelion... the candles before dark because you remembered what i said...

but then you go, and this time i'm not invited. and i wonder why.

and i'm left to wonder alone.

and i'm wondering if this is good. because this may just make you less important to me, and this may just even the field.

and i've taken down the words you saw, the words i forgot about, the words about her, the words about love. i've taken them down so you are less reminded.

i want you to run to me. i want you to devour me. i want to hear the words "i couldn't stop thinking of you". i want you to trust me with more of your secrets. i want to continue planning your mother's birthday with you. i want that train ride to chicago with you. but mostly, i want you to want those too.

i've failed.

i've been inaccessable. and now i've failed.

i haven't been home. i haven't had internet. i've been lost. to her and to myself.

i misunderstood. i should have pushed harder. i didn't, and now i'm scared that she's gone.

i'm going to try to be positive here. i've been whining just about enough.

yes, things are tough right now. yes, money is tight. sure, the chick from LA is still running around with the guy that i love for the next week or so. but really, it can't be all that bad.

there are moments when i sit and feel myself take a breath. it's a hesitant, hitching breath. but it finally fills me. it finally gets into all the places in my body that i've been depriving of life. i need to figure out how to control those breaths more. to have more of them more often.

i told a friend that i was upset about the situation with C. he said, "damn them for living their own lives!" now, i know he was trying to be funny, but also trying to prove a point. and the thing is, i don't mind that he has a life outside of me. what i do mind, what hurts, is the absence of him. the profound absence that i can only attribute to her place in his life. my call was not returned. my 2 texts were not returned. and i know that the reason they weren't was because he is occupied with her. that he's having fun with her, making love to her, laughing with her the way he does with me. and that's great, in a way, because i want him to be happy. but, it hurts just the same because he is absent to me.

and i miss him.

i miss the joking and the warmth. i miss the intensity and the slips of this mind that nearly escape his mouth. i miss his eyes.

money is still ugly, and in seriously short supply. there's a check about to go thru my bank, but it wont make it. and the sad part is, it's to my landlord again. i can pay my rent with my next check. but not my electricity or my phone. and i'm working my little ass off! that's the part that really kills me. i even had an hour of overtime on this coming check, i'm not spending money when i go out, and i still can't get ahead.

i'm at a loss. in so many ways.

last night, E said we should just give up. her voice was resolute. and while i know it will pass for her, as it always does, i know that it's hardly past for me. and the slow leak of my own life draining from me and down the drain has a particular appeal right now that i don't know how to contain.

valen-fucking-tines day.

next time, when the pan needs to be wasked so i can make eggs at home, i'll do that. because going out to eat this morning out of convenience, was not the smartest mood. valentines morning alone in public, while couple split omlets and coo i love you's... that is not the right way to start a valentines day alone.

this hurts, and there's nothing i can do.

his "friend" (the same word he uses for me) is in town for two weeks from L.A. yes, she has invaded my territory. she crossed the state line. she's here. and she's here for two weeks. and she's here on valentine's day.

which means, he's not with me. he's with her. and i am alone.

he was so sweet the other night. the night he told me she would be coming in. he was careful with me and romantic. he said, "it only takes a minute with you and i remember..." though i asked, he never finished the sentence. i don't know what he remembers. if he's remembering times with me, or feelings he was wishing he wasn't having.

and now here i am, having feelings i wish i wasn't having. feeling lost, yet still in love. feeling forgotten and trying to remain strong. he's with her now, holding her, kissing her, fucking her. and i'm in the goddamn library thinking of him. i'm here, stressing over the money that i don't have, over the food that isn't in the fridge, over the bills that i can't pay, and mostly, over the love that isn't returned.

he says, he hopes that no matter what, we'll stay friends. is he telling me that the romantic part of our friendship is done? he tells me he'll see me over the next two weeks, that there are things he has to do, work and such, that he won't be with her the entire time, and that we can get together then. i just don't want to be sandwhiched in between his times with her.

and, damn it, i want to stop crying. and i can't even cut, because, what if he comes back, after those two weeks. he will see. and he will know what effect he's had on me. and he'll know that i haven't changed that much. and then, he won't want to be with me anyway.

so i'm lost, and i'm alone. and i'm broke. and i don't know what to do. my january rent check bounced... twice. and i don't have the money to pay it. not for a week, not until i get paid again ont he 21st.

i dressed to work out today, but now i just want to go home. to sleep. my body feels like poison is coursing through it. there's a timgling and an uncomfortable warmth. this awful feeling that i've had before, when i've swallowed too hard. yet, this time, i can think of no reason for it.

well, i guess, aside from all the reasons above.

in the movies, he would return to me after this two weeks with her. he would hold me and tell me he thought of me the whole time, that he wants to be with me. that everything is better wtih me. but this isn't the movies. and the last time we spoke he told me that he didn't want me to limit myself. that he wanted me to be open to options and to enjoy others.

well, dear cole, it's hard to enjoy the company of others when your heart is slowly breaking. and not because you don't love me (because, while likely foolish, i do believe you do), but because you won't allow yourself to love me, to show me that love.

i understand your fears. you were married. it didn't last. it ended. and you don't want to feel those things again, you don't want to hurt again. but shutting off, shutting down, shutting out, that isn't the answer. not feeling is never the answer. i promise, i know.

bad days coming

there are jaws like lightning around my chest
pressing and compressing
shocking me to life with each uncertain breath.

things are getting shitty

internet is off at home.

rent should might maybe go thru after i put some money into my electricty bill. who knows. maybe not.

started throwing up in my sleep last night again. never a good sign. and never fun to wake up to.

so, who wants to put $300 in my bank account?

go thru E to get to me. otherwise, guys, i'll see ya when and if i make it thru this one alive.

sweet of you to ask

timberline... i got offered the job on the spot. working in the dining room. would start off bussing tables though, and that doesn't really sound like what i want. plus, it's an hour communte, up a mountain, everyday. and that's a lot of wear and tear on my car.

dosha... interviewed there as well. not sure if i got it or not.

a friend... is opening a spa/salon in june and wants me to work with/for him. it's in portland, and he said he would start me at about 13-17/hr. also said he would talk to his investors to see if there was a way for them to help me out with getting my OR certification.

I think i'm gonna pick option #3. which means staying here on the coast until june. that isn't so bad, right?

the boy... well, he's off this week in AZ. went to CA first (to see his other girl) but i think he's in AZ now. i'm doing my damnedest to not email or text him and just let him enjoy his time down there. we spent a day or two together before he left. he actually went with me to the interviews and met up with some friends of mine from ATL before i took him to the train station. i pick him up this coming sunday in portland (my little way of ensuring that i get to see him again soon). i think it's going well. we'll see.

the move then, is on hold. and the dog is barking, so i better go. i promise i'll try to be more eloquent in my next post. i've just had a long-ass day and i'm ready to drop.

or not

i have a job interview at timberline on thursday. waiting tables. but he wants to make me a supervisor after i know the ropes. we'll see.

all is so up in the air.

nothing feels solid.

i need something solid.

the move to portland is temporarily on hold

my landlords agreed to lower the rent by $75/month (from 575 to 500), the equivalent of a $1/hr raise at work (which work can't give me just yet).

so, while my social life will continue to flounder a bit, some tension is released.

i was freaking out pretty hard regarding being out of here in two weeks. without a job, without a place of my own, relying on others. that didn't feel good and my mind continued to slip to it's 'pills and blades' way of thinking.

now i can breathe. i can wait to move until i find a fantastic job and an apartment of my own.

in the meantime, if there are any sugardaddies out there in need of a darling woman to spoil once and a while out on the coast....

injured

my hands and knees are skinned raw
from crawling around at your feet
begging for scraps of attention and affection,
subordinating my needs to your whims.

i got this in an email, and it seemed worth the post.

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime..
An angel appeared and said,

"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.

"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

one of those handy quizes to tell me...

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

update for the eager

sometimes my world shrinks. it gets close and confined. it gets difficult to move around in. and those are the times, the times of the shrinking, that i get itchy. itchy to move, or itchy to remove. i either want to venture out, or climb closer in.

i'm gonna try venturing out.

i'm gonna try to move to portland. by the end of the month. tricky. but i'm itchy.

okay, so here's the latest dish on the boy. last week a friend from work catches me first thing in the morning and says to me, "have you talked to him?" what? "have you talked to him? oh honey, i'm so sorry". wait, what? "i heard you aren't dating anymore". her husband is a bartender. and in a small town, there are two types of people who get all the info: bartenders and hair stylists. so when she said that she heard this from her husband, my ears perked up. she hugged me, she apologized again. she said she heard that he just didn't like me that much and was done with me. that it was over. in fact, she heard that he had moved in with someone else! i was taken aback, to say the least. i started dialing E frantically. when i finally got her on the phone, i could barely speak. 1) because this hurt, and 2) because it was coming out of nowhere. i mean, he and i had plans for that very afternoon! he was going to go to the mechanic with me to get my car fixed. we were going to portland that night for dinner and then going to stay on the houseboat. i was at a loss. she promised me more info later. LATER! what?! no, bitch, now! you don't start that kind of conversation and walk away. regardless... so, i asked him to call me. i told him what i had heard and that i was freaking out a little. he was pissed. he said he was being honest with me, that nothing had changed. he was still seeing the other girl in LA, but that was it. and, he hadn't even been to that bar in months, and AND he hadn't talked to anyone in town about me. (okay, so that didn't feel great either, but, whatever).

we still went to portland. we still stayed on the boat. but, the best part was, this actually opened up the opportunity for us to talk about 'us' for the first time. i was always afraid to mention anything, for fear of stepping over boundaries that i know he didn't want crossed. but he opened up. i asked about the other girl. seems we are pretty opposite. (a 'best of both worlds' situation for him, if you ask me.) he stayed with me the next night, and the next. he made us pancakes. nice. he even (and this was in the car on the way to portland) said that, in a way, he loves me. nice to hear. sounded odd, but still nice to hear.

so, he's offered me the use of the houseboat that he babysits as a place to stay until i get a place of my own in portland. and my friend tim has always offered to let me stay with him. so, my itchy situation has two potentials. two options. and that has to be a sign to go now.

so i've sent off 5 or 6 resumes today. looking for something. heard from one that the position was filled, and from another that they would like to set up a time to talk. i'm also considering Timberline Lodge. they have employee housing, are about an hour from portland, and, well, just think of all those cute longhair snowboarders!

so, if you know anyone in portland who has an open position... hook a girl up. i could use a little help. i'm freaking out a little.

i've given notice with my landlord. but not yet with the job. i'm scared. but it feels like time to leap again.

so here i go.

leaping.

again.

and praying i don't splat.

on the eve of a new year and the end of the old, i find myself still at a crossroads. even the cards tell me so. i know that a path has to be chosen. i can choose for some instances and not for others.

the boy thing: he came to stay iwth me christmas night and didn't leave until friday noon. our time was cleanly split between bed, movies and bars. we laughed a lot. he's kind. he's considerate. but he's got walls i can't climb. but what was beginning to happen, was that everytime i thought about how much i care for him, it felt as though someone was sitting on my chest. i decided to choose a path. i decided to commit to the path and trust that it would lead to me where i'm supposed to be. i decided to be truer to myself and more honest with him. so i spoke. and i told him, "i really like you, and i'm afraid it's only gonna get worse. i know that isn't what you wanted or are looking for, so if you don't want to see me anymore, it's okay. i understand. i justed needed to be honest with myself and with you." he, said nothing. no reply. yet over the course of our days togetherhe'd say, out of the blue, "you're awesome" and "you rock". which, if i was just a drinking buddy, i would take as high praise. and while those things are nice to hear, i'm not sure he can say anything else, whether he feels it or not. i think he's a little afriad of me. so i went back to sleep, after my confession. we had sex in the morning and he left. that was friday. it's sunday now. no word. but i'm still consoled by the fact that i was true to myself and honest with him.

the move: the move to portland. it really should happen. i'm not sure why i'm staying here. and i'm really not looking that hard for a job in portland. which i should be. i think i just need a hand. i'm hoping for some cosmic gentling in one direction. something to point me towards a destination. something to spark me to move from where i am. and while it's only been a couple months, if he asked, i'd move in with him. he did offer the boat that he watches. a free place to stay 20 minutes or so out of portland. small, but free for a while, til i find something else.

the family: that's just always gonna be what it is and where it is. and while i know that they just want to see me, asking me for the dates that the spa will be closed EVERY OTHER DAY isn't helping. i don't know. no one knows. they haven't set the date. what more can i tell them?

life: do i want to go back and start over in psychology? credits are old, i'll likely have to start over. do i want to just take the couple classes and finish the massage? get an oregon license and do that? do i want to do something new? study photography? start a different path? i've gotten tired and i just don't know.

but, witht he beginning of a new year and the end of an old, surely things will have new light. i'll see them a new way. and something will glisten.

happy new year to all. may you be blessed with love, happiness and peace in the coming year and beyond.

illuminated

it's cold here now
but a light flickers warmth
in the distance
and the promise of thawing
teases.

Strange candles on far winds
never forgotten
but thought extinguished
hold gentle glow and incendiary, smoldering
promise.

In the light of remembrance
In the lightening of loves gone past
i am illuminated
and will shine brighter for it's reflection
i am illuminated

apology accepted.
i love you too
and always will.
see in you a few months.

thank you.