Boundaries Revisited

so, a couple weeks ago there was drama. i was reading information about infantilism at work, a client asked what it was, i explained in the vaguest way possible without giving any real specifics about how it related to my life. the next day my boss confronts me and tells me that this was a huge boundary violation but that there seemed to be no harm done.

well, that client talked with me tonight and i found out somethings i hadn't known before.

that morning when my relief had arrived, she saw what the client was reading. after i left, she proceed to have a conversation with this client. during the course of the talk, my coworker said things like, "she goes out with a lot of guys and sleeps with all of them. i hope to god she uses protection" and "she's into some really wierd things, like this whole baby fetish thing with her new boyfriend".

the client told me, "she was telling me things that i had no idea about. i mean, i just thought this was some guy you knew, not someone you were dating." i just laughed.

she then told me that the coworker had gone to my boss and relayed all this info to her, that i had been using the office computer to look these things up and print them off and that this was incredibly unprofessional and that i had crossed major boundaries with giving the client this information. that i was divulging my personal life to the clients. (i hadn't. i had talked to my coworker, which was why she had the information. my coworker passed it on to the client believing that i had told the client the same things i had told her.)

whoa.

turns out that my boss and the coworker then went to the client, in her room, and talked to her. asked her if she felt like she needed to process this, if she was upset. told her that it was absolutely wrong for me to 'give' this info to the client. the client stopped them and said, "she didn't give it to me, i asked for it. she was trying to understand something about her boyfriend evidently, according to ___(my coworker's name)".

my boss tells her, "sarah doesn't have boyfriends, she has 'guys she knows'". the client was incredibly uncomfortable, felt responsible for the mess and was scared that she was going to get me in trouble. thing is, most all the boundaries that were crossed and the unprofessional information about my personal life that was relayed was relayed to the client by THEM! by my boss and coworker. the client HAD NO IDEA UNTIL THEY TOLD HER!

and the things they were saying! wow, they must not respect me at all!

she also mentioned that my boss had seen me talking to this client one night and thought that i was talking about a date. i had exposed a scar on my stomach and my boss, not knowing what was going on or the topic of the conversation misread the events and felt that this was way too much info about me and my personal dating life to be given to the client. the client said, "what are you talking about? she's never talked to me about a date. we were talking about my surgery. she's had one too. i showed her my scar and she showed me hers from the same surgery." once again, it seems that all the information spilled about me, was coming from the people who were afraid i was giving out that information.

i laughed again. i was so hurt and confused and betrayed and yet amused at the same time. i laughed. i smiled so the client would know that i was okay with it. because, i really am. i didn't do anything wrong. they fucked up.

the client then asked, "so, when's your last day?" information that hadn't been made public yet. but she always knows. i told her that i wasn't sure, that nothing was solid and that i would likely continue to work at the house as relief. she said, "you know sometimes i just want to yell, 'run bitch, get out of here' and other times i don't want you to go, and i'm scared you'll leave. you're the one who gets it."

mind you, this is not the client that usually spends hours talking with me.

so, i crossed some boundaries tonight. i gave her my opinion on her situation (as she presented it to me) and gave her suggestions on how she might handle it.

i didn't tell her that i'm going to domme for some guy to get a couch and cash. i didn't tell her about the guy i diapered. i didn't tell her anything about me. not really. well, i told her that i loved them and that i didn't want to leave completely because i was so excited about seeing them grow, and that i cared about how thier lives were lived. she talked to me for 2.5 hours about her fears of returning to the hospital. she talked to me about where she wants to be, and about not wanting to be at the house, feeling like she wasn't getting what she needed. she talked about a medical facility in portland that might better suit her. she talked to me about her isolating and feeling really misunderstood and misread. she talked to me about not being able to talk to anyone about this stuff.

i told her that all she had to do in life was take care of herself. and that she had resources that wanted the best for her, that she should use them.

and in those words, she knew i was disclosing personal information. that i needed to take care of myself, that i had other resources and i was finally going to use them. and in those words, she saw that i would never suggest to her something that i didn't actually belive to be true. something that i wouldn't do myself.

sweet sea dreams

i turned and turned. arms out, flying style. twirled like a two year old, like a tiny dancer, like the dandelion you twist into flight. careless. free.

my toes grabbed the sand. grounding in ever changing particles of stone. slipping through the warm top layer so smoothly, but supported by the cool and wet packed beneath.

my hair blew wild. strands and sprays light on air, damp with sweet sea water, clinging to my lips and face. masking me, masking the world for me. tangled and knotted. unkempt and untamed.

i sang softly to the water, to the sky. i whispered cosette's castle on a cloud lullaby.

i did.

i have.

but not in weeks.

and i miss it.

an REM moment

"She Just Wants To Be"

It's not that she walked away
Her world got smaller
All the usual places
The same destinations
Only something's changed.

It's not that she wasn't rewarded
With pomegranate afternoons
And Mingus, Chet Baker and chess
It's not stampede and fortune
Of prim affectations
She's off on a riot
And she knows now
Is greater than the whole
Of the past
Is greater and now she knows

She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.

It's not that the transparency
Of her earlier incarnations
Now looked back on
Were rich and loaded
With beautiful vulnerability
But now she knows
Now is greater
And she knows that.

She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.

Now is greater
Now is greater
And she knows that.

She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.

She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.
She just wants to be somewhere
She just wants to be.

It's not like if angels
Could truly look down
Stir up the trappings
A light on the ground
Remind us of what, when, why or who
The how's up to us
Me and you
And now is greater than the whole
Of the past
Is greater and now she knows that.

Now she knows.

run down

maybe for 600 a month i could bring myself to sleep with him. maybe.

he isn't what i would consider attractive or suave or interesting or magnetic.

he isn't what i would consider sexy.

his taste in silver jewelry leaves something to be desired.

but 600 a month... that's my rent. that's a lot less stress.

* * * * *

the surfer wrote. the original surfer. the one that reminds me of brad pitt.

he wrote and while he hasn't written back again, it felt good to be thought of, remembered, and interesting enough to warrant a moment of someone's time.

maybe it will happen again. maybe it won't.

no hopes are up this time. no hopes are up. no hopes. no hope.

* * * *

my mother wrote. my father and i have exchanged a few tense emails.

wachovia calls him when my student loan payments are a day late. he gets frustrated. he gets angry. he gets disappointed. he writes to remind me.

he's always disappointed. i didn't go into the military. i didn't cut my hair. i didn't become a teacher. i studied psychology. i studied massage and oriental medicine. i saw a shrink. i took meds. i don't work for johnson&johnson. i moved across the country. i'm not 130lbs. i don't eat meat. i don't go to boston for christmas.

he's disappointed.

she tries to mediate that now. tells me she thinks of me. loves me.

and see, i'm crying now, because i'm just not sure it's true. and how can one girl go her life being so unloved?

* * *

the schedule is intensifying. 10p - 6a at the house. then 8 a - 5p OR 10a - 6p at the spa. that's 3-4 hours sleep TOPS, if i can get right to sleep.

i'm exhausted.

i'm lonely.

i'm soul-tired.

i'm dreaming dark dreams, awake and asleep.

* *

i'm thinking of moving to portland. tim will let me stay with him until i'm settled. diane will be there. there will be people.

but is it failure to leave now, after just one year? i gave my notice at the house. or rather, left a letter of resignation on friday morning. it isn't where i left it now, sunday night/monday morning. did she see it? does she know? she isn't here, i haven't faced her yet, and i'm so scared of having to do that. even though i know she'll understand, she'll be another i feel i've let down. more disappointment.

and do i want to depend on tim? do i want to depend on anyone?

*

will someone pay me to sleep? if i set up a web cam in my bedroom, will someone pay to watch me sleep? just for a week?

will someone see me? see past their own projections onto me, and see me? see through the extra 10 pounds that i can't touch because i have no time to work out? see the girl who just wants to be taken care of for a little while, because she's been so long on her own? held. warmed. heard. seen.

please, someone see me. because i'm losing sight of me.

first 24 hrs.

not so bad.

not exactly what i had thought, but not bad.

and he's sweet.

Boundaries

every month or so i have a dream that wakes me with a scream and a start. it happened today. you would think that that kind of gentling into wakefulness would be accompanied by a vivid image of the preceding dream. but no. not in this case at least. the boundary between dream and real doens't become clear for a moment, so i hover in fear. and then i'm left tending to a startled dog whimper at the door.

it's wakings like that that leave me feeling most alone. there's no one there to coo and soothe me. no one there to ask if i'm okay, what i was dreaming. no one to put an arm around me, pull me into them and breath sleepily against my neck. only i frightened dog to go to, to reassure.

somehow i always end up doing the care taking.

i guess the dream was a preamble to what i would face at work. well, either the dream or the car accident that happened just as i walked out of the house.

see, at work last night, i was reading over some print outs about infantalism. trying to discern what exactly it is that my friend is looking for. where this need might have come from and what other's experiences are with it. i like to educate myself. well, last night a client asked what i was reading. and i told her. i said that it was information on infantilism, people who desire to age-regress in order to meet needs that they can't in normal life. i told her (almost truthfully) that a long-distance friend of mine told me about a wish and that i was interested in finding out more about how he might have gotten to that need. she was interested and asked if she could read it. i said sure.

i never attached this to my personal life. just a long distance friend i was interested in gaining insight into. (and seeing as how he'll be long-distance in a matter of weeks, i didn't feel that this was too big of a stretch, plus i didn't want to disclose my personal life to a client).

i guess i should have known better. a co-worker who came in after me reported this to my boss. and my boss had to talk to the client to see if she was damaged in any way by what i had done. the client of course was forth right, stated the facts as i would have (that she had asked if she could read it and was not adversely affected). the problem is that it was reported to my boss as "baby fetish" material.

care with words has always been important to me. spelling, no. but meanings, yes. clearly not to others. had my co-worker known that "baby fetish" is an inappropriate and misleading term, this might not have gotten so big. but my explanation to my boss soothed her a bit. she explained that my wording was a little less threatening. but still, i've crossed a boundary.

the client reported that, "i know sarah has an alternative lifestyle, and while some people might be freaked out about it, it doesn't bother me." GREAT! well, in sarcasm and literally. but when my boss tells me this, and says that she knows i have an "alternative lifestyle" (i tell her about some of these things because we consider each other friends), but the boundary issue is now that clients know i have one, i reminder her that likely the scars, tattoos and piercings were dead giveaways that i don't lead a pure vanilla life. but that i keep the arms covered so that the scars don't show and constantly tell them i have no life outside of work. maybe that i go to a concert or a good restaurant, but that's it as far as disclosure.

another client told me, "i think it's cool that you care that much about your friend to educate and investigate." she's lesbian and having a little trouble coming out. i'm seeing this as a plus. she sees that some people are accepting and tolerant. she knows that i won't judge her. (my boss is now worried because the other clients think she might be developing a crush on me. i kinda thought that might be happening, so i'm really careful with her.)

these are adults. they play on dating websites. they look up porn. they read about sex. they have sex. they masturbate. they do all the things that the rest of us do. i wasn't handing out packets or asking them to try it. i simply side-ways answered a question.

i'm not really in trouble. though i could see the concern in my boss's face and hear it in her voice. she's having trouble with the agency we work with and is concerned that any additional infraction will be the last. i understand. she's also gotten crap for "hiring people who are just like the clients", meaning self-harmers. yeah, that's me again. thing is, i'm also a pretty good example of survival and (around them) an even keel. i live on my own, support myself, i'm employed (doubly). i consider it a, "look where you could get to if you keep it up". i'm really not that bad.

am i?

it's wakings like this that make me think i need to cut my losses and leave the job. am i making it too hard on my boss? and i adding additional trouble to her own? i can't keep track of all the double standards, and she doesn't always bother to inform us of them. i love her, don't get me wrong. i just feel like a major fuck up around her.

but the other job pays less. and it isn't quite full time yet. and i don't want to leave my boss in a lurch. i can't quit on her when she has no one to replace me. i can't quit the clients when i'm the only one some will talk to. but at the same time, i'm not supposed to be connecting with them because they are supposed to connect to their therapist (who none of them like).

i'm caretaking.

i just want someone to roll over, wrap an arm around me and dreamily whisper me back to sleep.