things are getting shitty

internet is off at home.

rent should might maybe go thru after i put some money into my electricty bill. who knows. maybe not.

started throwing up in my sleep last night again. never a good sign. and never fun to wake up to.

so, who wants to put $300 in my bank account?

go thru E to get to me. otherwise, guys, i'll see ya when and if i make it thru this one alive.

sweet of you to ask

timberline... i got offered the job on the spot. working in the dining room. would start off bussing tables though, and that doesn't really sound like what i want. plus, it's an hour communte, up a mountain, everyday. and that's a lot of wear and tear on my car.

dosha... interviewed there as well. not sure if i got it or not.

a friend... is opening a spa/salon in june and wants me to work with/for him. it's in portland, and he said he would start me at about 13-17/hr. also said he would talk to his investors to see if there was a way for them to help me out with getting my OR certification.

I think i'm gonna pick option #3. which means staying here on the coast until june. that isn't so bad, right?

the boy... well, he's off this week in AZ. went to CA first (to see his other girl) but i think he's in AZ now. i'm doing my damnedest to not email or text him and just let him enjoy his time down there. we spent a day or two together before he left. he actually went with me to the interviews and met up with some friends of mine from ATL before i took him to the train station. i pick him up this coming sunday in portland (my little way of ensuring that i get to see him again soon). i think it's going well. we'll see.

the move then, is on hold. and the dog is barking, so i better go. i promise i'll try to be more eloquent in my next post. i've just had a long-ass day and i'm ready to drop.

or not

i have a job interview at timberline on thursday. waiting tables. but he wants to make me a supervisor after i know the ropes. we'll see.

all is so up in the air.

nothing feels solid.

i need something solid.

the move to portland is temporarily on hold

my landlords agreed to lower the rent by $75/month (from 575 to 500), the equivalent of a $1/hr raise at work (which work can't give me just yet).

so, while my social life will continue to flounder a bit, some tension is released.

i was freaking out pretty hard regarding being out of here in two weeks. without a job, without a place of my own, relying on others. that didn't feel good and my mind continued to slip to it's 'pills and blades' way of thinking.

now i can breathe. i can wait to move until i find a fantastic job and an apartment of my own.

in the meantime, if there are any sugardaddies out there in need of a darling woman to spoil once and a while out on the coast....

injured

my hands and knees are skinned raw
from crawling around at your feet
begging for scraps of attention and affection,
subordinating my needs to your whims.

i got this in an email, and it seemed worth the post.

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime..
An angel appeared and said,

"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,

"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.

"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

one of those handy quizes to tell me...

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

update for the eager

sometimes my world shrinks. it gets close and confined. it gets difficult to move around in. and those are the times, the times of the shrinking, that i get itchy. itchy to move, or itchy to remove. i either want to venture out, or climb closer in.

i'm gonna try venturing out.

i'm gonna try to move to portland. by the end of the month. tricky. but i'm itchy.

okay, so here's the latest dish on the boy. last week a friend from work catches me first thing in the morning and says to me, "have you talked to him?" what? "have you talked to him? oh honey, i'm so sorry". wait, what? "i heard you aren't dating anymore". her husband is a bartender. and in a small town, there are two types of people who get all the info: bartenders and hair stylists. so when she said that she heard this from her husband, my ears perked up. she hugged me, she apologized again. she said she heard that he just didn't like me that much and was done with me. that it was over. in fact, she heard that he had moved in with someone else! i was taken aback, to say the least. i started dialing E frantically. when i finally got her on the phone, i could barely speak. 1) because this hurt, and 2) because it was coming out of nowhere. i mean, he and i had plans for that very afternoon! he was going to go to the mechanic with me to get my car fixed. we were going to portland that night for dinner and then going to stay on the houseboat. i was at a loss. she promised me more info later. LATER! what?! no, bitch, now! you don't start that kind of conversation and walk away. regardless... so, i asked him to call me. i told him what i had heard and that i was freaking out a little. he was pissed. he said he was being honest with me, that nothing had changed. he was still seeing the other girl in LA, but that was it. and, he hadn't even been to that bar in months, and AND he hadn't talked to anyone in town about me. (okay, so that didn't feel great either, but, whatever).

we still went to portland. we still stayed on the boat. but, the best part was, this actually opened up the opportunity for us to talk about 'us' for the first time. i was always afraid to mention anything, for fear of stepping over boundaries that i know he didn't want crossed. but he opened up. i asked about the other girl. seems we are pretty opposite. (a 'best of both worlds' situation for him, if you ask me.) he stayed with me the next night, and the next. he made us pancakes. nice. he even (and this was in the car on the way to portland) said that, in a way, he loves me. nice to hear. sounded odd, but still nice to hear.

so, he's offered me the use of the houseboat that he babysits as a place to stay until i get a place of my own in portland. and my friend tim has always offered to let me stay with him. so, my itchy situation has two potentials. two options. and that has to be a sign to go now.

so i've sent off 5 or 6 resumes today. looking for something. heard from one that the position was filled, and from another that they would like to set up a time to talk. i'm also considering Timberline Lodge. they have employee housing, are about an hour from portland, and, well, just think of all those cute longhair snowboarders!

so, if you know anyone in portland who has an open position... hook a girl up. i could use a little help. i'm freaking out a little.

i've given notice with my landlord. but not yet with the job. i'm scared. but it feels like time to leap again.

so here i go.

leaping.

again.

and praying i don't splat.