i'm falling
maybe completely fallen
i'm butterflies and moon-eyes
i'm 12-year old girl with blonde ringlets giddy
i've read his words
i've seen his photo
i've typed endless conversations that last mere moments
i've spoken to him only twice by phone
i laugh, silly laughter, full laughter
my heart swells and sends shivers through me
i see the unlikeliness of it
i recognize the unusual nature of the courtship
i hear the caution in a dear friend's voice
...and still i'm falling and i don't want to stop
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
yesterday's top 5 moments
(in no particular order)
1) chinese chicken salad
2) long chat with a new friend
3) the return of my seal
4) just enough gas in my tank to get to work
5) the confidences of each resident
oh and i bought a blue jump rope. that was prety cool too.
1) chinese chicken salad
2) long chat with a new friend
3) the return of my seal
4) just enough gas in my tank to get to work
5) the confidences of each resident
oh and i bought a blue jump rope. that was prety cool too.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Three Wishes
the other night i lost myself in thought over that childhood game of 'wishes'. now, having read the stories of wishes gone wrong and fables of being careful of what you wish for, i decided to try it again.
what would my three wishes be? (asking for more wishes voids the offer)
Wish One: $1000 a day for the rest of my life. this would allow me to pay my debts, go back to school, eat on a regular basis, open my hospice and run it at no cost to it's patients. and it would certainly keep my dog in the treats she most likes. i might even afford a vacation or two, or at least the opportunity to fly friends out to me. and it doesn't seem too extravagant an number, something that would separate me from people. yes, a lifelong, steady income of $1000 a day would be my first wish.
sadly, this is as far as i've gotten. sure there is the wish for a "love of my life soulmate", but what if i've already had that? and what if that would preclude all the other not-quite-soulmates who i've had so much fun with? would i wish to be loved? my fear here is ending up as hesse's character who was loved by all and thus took it for granted. i know how to love, and do i want someone to fall in love with, who will love me as unabashedly in return. someone to melt with. so, maybe that IS Wish Two: my next true love.
if i wished for world peace or the planet to be saved, all those lovely hippies and activits would be negated, so i can't do that. getting rid of them drastically reduces chances of Wish Two being filled.
love and money being covered, is there another security that i'm missing? would i wish to never be depressed again? never to dabble in the self-injurious arts? no. those allow me certain insights and empathies that i would never trade.
how about the 'mermaid when i grow up and the ocean when i die' wish? those seem practical. to be mythical, powerful, creative and beautiful. but am i willing to part with number three for those? i'm not sure, but i'm straing towards yes.
maybe it would be that my loved ones always feel loved. that they never lose sight of my caring, regardless of my form or finacial status.
or, maybe i just want a puppy.
i'll have to keep thinking on Wish Three.
what would my three wishes be? (asking for more wishes voids the offer)
Wish One: $1000 a day for the rest of my life. this would allow me to pay my debts, go back to school, eat on a regular basis, open my hospice and run it at no cost to it's patients. and it would certainly keep my dog in the treats she most likes. i might even afford a vacation or two, or at least the opportunity to fly friends out to me. and it doesn't seem too extravagant an number, something that would separate me from people. yes, a lifelong, steady income of $1000 a day would be my first wish.
sadly, this is as far as i've gotten. sure there is the wish for a "love of my life soulmate", but what if i've already had that? and what if that would preclude all the other not-quite-soulmates who i've had so much fun with? would i wish to be loved? my fear here is ending up as hesse's character who was loved by all and thus took it for granted. i know how to love, and do i want someone to fall in love with, who will love me as unabashedly in return. someone to melt with. so, maybe that IS Wish Two: my next true love.
if i wished for world peace or the planet to be saved, all those lovely hippies and activits would be negated, so i can't do that. getting rid of them drastically reduces chances of Wish Two being filled.
love and money being covered, is there another security that i'm missing? would i wish to never be depressed again? never to dabble in the self-injurious arts? no. those allow me certain insights and empathies that i would never trade.
how about the 'mermaid when i grow up and the ocean when i die' wish? those seem practical. to be mythical, powerful, creative and beautiful. but am i willing to part with number three for those? i'm not sure, but i'm straing towards yes.
maybe it would be that my loved ones always feel loved. that they never lose sight of my caring, regardless of my form or finacial status.
or, maybe i just want a puppy.
i'll have to keep thinking on Wish Three.
it seems you just left
something dark is passing over me, like a shadow at midnight. it moves across me and blends into the darkness already there.
it's been almost a year now. a year this month. a bleak anniversary of an unsuccessful wish. and in a month's time, beginning of july, another anniversary. the same unfulfilled mission revisited. maybe that's the darkness, those memories. those haunted looks from concerned faces who rack their minds for the right words. the shame of disappointment. the realization that he would never love me. the suffocating stagnation. even now my throat closes a little.
this slender fingered darkness, smoothes my hair and lulls me to sleep. you don't see the claw marks until morning. marks so ugly you dread the daylight and it's stark illumination. so you slip back to darkness for safety.
and what has changed in a year? besides my address. nothing much it would seem. still not in school. still not out of debt. still not in love. still letting them down. there goes my throat again.
i would be the nymph of night-time. the silver and pink creature flitting beneath the moon. comfortable only in the reflective light of night, haloed in the soft glow of the changing phases. full, half, new...my visibility ever ebbing as mother turns her face from me.
i can't break again so soon. but my heart is strangling in my chest, and i am clueless as to what hands are crushing me.
dear darkness, i knew you had never left me, but i didn't expect your rage to come so quickly.
it's been almost a year now. a year this month. a bleak anniversary of an unsuccessful wish. and in a month's time, beginning of july, another anniversary. the same unfulfilled mission revisited. maybe that's the darkness, those memories. those haunted looks from concerned faces who rack their minds for the right words. the shame of disappointment. the realization that he would never love me. the suffocating stagnation. even now my throat closes a little.
this slender fingered darkness, smoothes my hair and lulls me to sleep. you don't see the claw marks until morning. marks so ugly you dread the daylight and it's stark illumination. so you slip back to darkness for safety.
and what has changed in a year? besides my address. nothing much it would seem. still not in school. still not out of debt. still not in love. still letting them down. there goes my throat again.
i would be the nymph of night-time. the silver and pink creature flitting beneath the moon. comfortable only in the reflective light of night, haloed in the soft glow of the changing phases. full, half, new...my visibility ever ebbing as mother turns her face from me.
i can't break again so soon. but my heart is strangling in my chest, and i am clueless as to what hands are crushing me.
dear darkness, i knew you had never left me, but i didn't expect your rage to come so quickly.