the pictures egan took came back. they are beautiful. i look good in them. i'm suprised and cried and didn't know how to handle it.

haven't talked to pie since birthday. josh and i text. i'm heartbroken a little bit.

working on getting a tattoo tonight. a snake. my birth totem. for transformation, rebirth, healing. kinda looks like a dragon though.

life and love suck.

neither works without the other.

my birthday has been wonderful.

egan took pictures of me. told me that i'm beautiful and wants me to see it too. it was really hard to have my picture taken. but i trust her.

people came out to play with me at the bar.

pie showed up eventually, said he didn't know it was my birthday. he ended up coming over after the party broke up. we drank, got high and fell asleep. next day he did a little grind behind me, but nothing to speak of. it was just nice to not have to sleep alone.

josh however, asked if i wanted him to go home with me. honest to god, i told him, "not tonight, i have to walk my dog really early". what the hell? didn't even make sense then when i was drunk.

wanting passion and love and trust, is clearly too much to want.

so, pie and i spent time together. we had a good time. then suddenly it ended and i don't really know why.

i know there are still some big time hurt feelings for him regarding his ex and that he needs some sort of resolution. i think that he is stuck in the same position i am. neither one of us is able to get through to the other person what the reality is in our heads.

so he's been depressed and somber. his parents are planning an intervention for him. he needs it. but i still hate it for him.

josh is a doll as always, just no attraction there for me.

dad's job is still on the line. don't know where that is going to go, but early retirement is looking like a huge option.

i miss portia, the fun we always had together. she would skip studying with me and go out and play. everyone here just wants to study and since i'm not in school anymore, it makes it tough.

i miss being loved. i'm nearly 29 now. birthday tomorrow. and although my life seems to be going in a direction, there's something missing. it's the intimacy that you share with another person. friend or lover. i miss it and i want it and i can't believe that it's too much to ask.

paddling, what i wouldn't give for a nice long day paddling

it's been so long since i've spent a quiet day at home with myself, reading porn, watching porn, eating chocolate and getting off. today was a good day.

i forgot what it was to just concentrate on my pleasure instead of my pain. i can be responsible for my own pleasure, and don't really need pie to do it for me. now granted the guy has a magnificent dick and is fairly good at using it, but he never really finished anything. (himself or me)

so much freedom underwater 

lee, the man i can usually count on to be where he should be 

pie has no idea how powerful purple really is.

the newest member of the "band" is supposed to have arrived today. brooklyn, i believe is his name. so, now the whole band is together and should be up and practicing sometime soon. the power of purple. that's the name that pie wants to use for the band. it makes me think of early prince, but, really, who am i to say a thing.

we've all had transition people. my only hope is that at some point he will remember that i was good to him and will think of me kindly as a good friend that he wants to keep in his life.

i could cry feverishly over him, but it would do no good.
i could beg him to see me, but he's blind.
i could offer my body and his lips to his whims
i could, but i'd much rather die.


he's tried to fill me, but i'm still wanting more
he's tried to push me, but i've already fallen
he's tried to kill me, but i'm dead to him now
he's tried all but kindness and love, now i'm gone.

wild innosence falls dead at my feet,
still vivid and warm from morning flight.
one more heave of feathered breast,
while eyes turn silent and beak relax.
one moment soaring, the next in my hand,
life cut short by my barriers.
what other lifes have tired to enter
and lost their vitalities trying?

the smallest, prettiest bird flew thump into my window this morning. fatanstic green downy feathers. i heard the sound and saw hims body fall 10 feet before me. holding tigger back, i eased the bird into my hand, not able to think of leaving it there, for cats or dogs to toss or bite. it's amazing how sad it made me to see/hear it happen. i wondered why it chose my window, what am i keeping out of my life? what little deaths have i witnessed lately? what difference can i make? why should something so beautiful die?

the boy is too nice. i like him and it's killing me. but i'm handling it well...so far.

went to the show saturday night. he was prompted (round about) to call me by sharon. told me where the show was and said it was cool if i came. ended up hanging out with them afterwards, going to nicks for a couple drinks, then invited him over to watch a movie (5am). he stayed until about 10 that morning. we talked, watched the dreamers, and played around for a bit. i reassured him that i liked him, wanted to get to know him better, but have no expectations. he responded pretty well to this. this of course in no way means that i don't have hopes or wishes about any outcomes.

couple crazy dreams last night. lots of snakes. bit by one really big one. i don't know how it progressed to that point, but i woke up twisting around a lot (guessing i was trying to get away) and may have screamed. then, i looked at the other side of the bed and wondered where pie was. my first thought was that he left because i was snoring, or just wanted to get out of there. then after a minute, i realized he never had been there. probably ties into the lucid dreaming that he and i had been talking about a couple days before. it scares me a bit though that i woke up looking for him.

donna is doing well in her new job.

portia is aclimating, but having a rough time missing her boy.

that's really all i've got.

portia is gone. off to florida. not the same without her here.

the boy hasn't called. maybe there is still a 4 day waiting period. i figure he should be getting hungry about that time and call. wish he would.

i'm handing it all off to the universe and the goddesses that have treated me so lovingly. i know that they will take care of me. i try not to ask for anything that would infringe on anyone else. i want him to find comfort and peace. if i can give that... great. i want to be good to him and for him. if that means being his friend or more...great. i still would love to get to know him better, but i've put my faith in the possibilities of the goddess. she is aware of far more ways than me.

blessed be, so mote it be.

breathe in
taste the sky
envelop the universe
take in all the beauty
this viseral life allows.
pray at the alter
of the sensual,
give alms of life,
blood and sex.
drink in happiness
and savor contentment
like an infant at mother's breast.
cry boiling tears
letting the pain in rivers
flow and be released.

most girls realize things at a faster rate than i do. they must, or there wouldn't be any women left in the world, just a survival of the fittest thing.

portia showed up about an hour late last night. with her new love. i'm happy for her, but i was so pissed. her excuse was that she didn't think i would be alone. so that's okay, right? i was a little mean to her and the boy, but, really. she's staying an extra week just to spend time with him. the same thing happened when she was datin scott. i get brushed aside easily.

pi didn't show last night. and i was pretty too. turns out he's taking th break up with his ex pretty harshly. her friend is telling her that pi is psycho and he's hurt. so last night i guess he took to the road to clear his head. sharon says he's calling to keep her posted. i'm starting to think i need to let this one go. and even though i don't know him, i hate that he's hurting. he seems a bit like a lost pup.

josh asked if he had done anything inappropriate last week. i told him he was fine, that he was drunk, and that we're fine. then before he left, he told me, 'i hear last week that you're not attracted to me, and it's okay'. i told him i wanted to get to know him, and he said, 'i know, it's fine'.

most girls would see what's in front of them, right? great guys, trees, big fucking signs, shit like that. so glad i'm not most girls. how dull would that be?!

anyway, i think i've got deepa's job. which is good, 'cause i'm broke. surprised?

i hope pi weathers this well. i'd like to see him come out of it. i'd like a chance to know him.

percodan and pecan pie
dull the pain
fill the void.

my dating anticks have held still over the last few days. refreshing.

i did end up going to tt's last night for donna's party. only stayed half an hour and didn't get to the back to say hello to josh. i'm sure it was terribly rude of me and i'm kicking myself for my complete lack of spine, but i figure if there's going to be a conversation or yucky moment of me trying my damnedest to let him down lightly, it should happen when he isn't working.

pi never called. he of course calls sharon, but they're friends, so why shouldn't he. i'm just the girl that pants his name in my sleep and writes bad poety about him:

the church i've constructed
makes propheses of us.
you, a divine idol
adorning every wall and verse.
i await your baptismal touch
in near virginal vestiments
having been so long since loved
i believe yours will redeem me.
like any good messiah
you remain unexplained to me
a mystery of bark eyes
and a voice like the second coming.
i await your sacrament
a communion mass for us,
to take your body and blood into mine,
my tongue stretched toward salvation.
my prayers more incantation,
the power of you compells me.

just incase you ever wondered just how bad the bad poety was. wonder no more.

deepa walked out for what i thought was a coffee break on friday. turns out she walked out for a 6 week leave of absense and didn't tell me. frank and jenn have asked me to be the interim dcs for the next 6 weeks. i'm a little nervous because i don't know what to do, but i'm hoping that it will at least run more smoothly and happily than it did with her around.

all attempts at being in the same place, same time with pi have been bust. i odn't know what else to do other than just get the boy on the phone and ask him out. kania thinks this is best. maybe i'll get a chance this week.

i miss being in love and i miss being loved. i miss the intimacy and the stupidity. waking alone, coming home to no one, and going to bed alone, day after day, have to be the hardest things to do. i want to be open to love. to whatever form it comes in. but i also want a chance with the fantasy boy

Re: tast tuesday

toby: has a girlfriend, strong relationship. i'm okay with that. he is a riot though. completely random, totally funny, and so very sharp. he sat with us and chatted for a while. a real sweet guy.

pi: new relationship involving a small domestic disturbance. he came over and hung out with sharon and i for a while, showed up just as everyone i was with left. great timing. his girlfriend threw a fit over him being at tt's, or being there with two girls, or not answering his phone. who knows, but he was visibly upset, and i don't think it was a"fuck, i'm in trouble" upset, but rather a "i hurt her feelings" upset. i get the impression that the boy feels deeply. he has a kind soul. and he's just as pretty as i remember. anyway, he and toby gave a ride home around 2:30. very nice of him. they each did the gentleman'y kiss-on-the-hand thing (which of course leaves my little girl heart swooning for days. now, though, i'm stuck in the phase where i wonder if he's thought of me or what he thought of me. i don't want to be too obvious and ask sharon over and over, so i'm doing my best to sit back and wait. easier said than done. he was suspicious though, as to how i knew sharon, and i didn't want to tell him.

josh: the quentisential nice guy. bouncer at tt's. turns out he has a crush that i was unaware of. sweet guy, i'm just not getting a tingle in my bottom when i think of him.

niki: seems to be doing better. i wonder if i was like this after my attempt. clingy and needy. i'm sure i was, i just don't want to remember it. i had just as few friends at that point, so chances are someone took the brunt of it.

tig: either he age is finally catching up to her, or somehtings wrong. i'm not sure which, but she's been slower lately and not very attentive. i thought for a moment that she might be deaf.

life is getting less dry, but it could be because i'm drinking more.

i finally got a chance to spend some time with toby and pi. toby is hilarious. an absolute riot. completely random, but very intelligent. he's also quite happily involved. that's okay though, just knowing the guy would be great.

pi is lesser so involved, but still seeing someone, i guess for about 3 to 5 weeks. they had a small explosion last night when pi came over to tt's to hang out with sharon and i. i think she got a bit jealous, came over yelled at him and ran off. he spent a good bit more of the evening brooding on that. he's beautiful, and smart and kind from what i can gather. he was genuinely concerned about this girls' feelings, but also not willing to compromise himself in the process. i admire that. well, he and toby gave me ride home about 2:30 in the morning on their way to another bar. pi pressed a bit for how i knew sharon, but i'm hoping that i distracted him. if nothing else (and by that i mean if he isn't interested or is committed to this other girl), i'd still like to know him.

so i spent the evening pining away for this guy, and he asks me, "are you glowing?" i didn't think so, but if i was it was due to him. then later he mentioned that josh (the bouncer) was glowing for me. crushing a little. sweet guy too, but really, i'm not feeling whatever he is. isn't that always the way it goes? here i am grappling for one guy, while one is grappling for me. would being on the same wavelength with someone be such a travesty of nature?

i'm hoping to hear from sharon (a really sweet, kind and seemingly innocent girl) to see if pi mentioned anything about me.

portia's leaving soon. i hate it. i'm going to miss her so much.

i'm such a fucking girl.

i thought he might call or e-mail, but no. i'd like to think that i have the same power over people that i let them have over me. but no.

i put together a cd for him. its foolish really. i think maybe crushing on someone is somehow easier (though still painful) than going for it.

i'm such a fucking girl.

trader todd's: transvestite bingo, toby calling numbers between songs, knocking a drink onto nevill. good times with friends.

portia's still leaving soon. who will be my bad influence now?

i miss you rapture. wherever you are, please come home to me. your extremes, your fire, your tangling embrace and lusty breath. if you read this, come back. i'm waiting, but my patience is growing thin.

to memory, he has
the voice of destiny
eyes full of fate

found comfort in the stillness and quiet and alone
but craving chaos and life and connections
wanting to touch and be touched
and feel the ache of the break that results.
yearning for the seen but just out of reach
wanting to make mine what yet seems unclaimed
the depth of the sky in his eyes
the life of the universe in his voice--
would that that depth fall on me just once
that life speak my name.
to feel the ravages of raw passion once again
and then again and again
forsake the stillness for his entropy
the quiet for his song
the alone for his mere company.

the new tatoo 

niki is feeling better. she's doing her best to take over my life, but she's doing better. rita looks at me for all the answers as if i am the expert on suicide. i'm not even the expert on my own, i can't be expected to be the expert on niki's.

portia is leaving in two months.

went out with philosophy boy. nice enough once he loosened up, just not really what i'm looking for. no spark, no connection. and i get mad when guys do this to me.

still holding my breath for pi or toby i suppose.

i nearly lost a friend yesterday.

niki came over to watch a movie, then left for dinner. 30 minutes later i took tig out for a walk. i noticed people staring up at the building, but didn't want to be one of the gawkers, so i walked on, only glimpsing. there was a slim, white figure at the top of the building. ethereal looking really, with the exception of a dark mass in the middle of it. i walked. the crowd grew. i looked again and thought it couldn't be. on my way inside i passed a man on the street holding a cell phone at his side and his eyes to the roof. i asked if anyone had called the police, and he said no, and i suggested he do it. i went in and grabbed my own phone to call niki and rita, but there was no answer. outside, someone asked me, do you think she'll jump? i said i didn't know, that i was trying to figure out if it was my friend. an officer arrived at her side, climbed over the fence and grabbed her. NO was screamed and she buckled, but was safe.

i ran to their apartment, no answer at the door, but it was unlocked. i waited. rita arrived and told me niki had gone to the roof, i said i knew. she said she couldn't find her keys, i told her to go, that i would look for them. i searcher her bag 4 times and never saw them.

i didn't know where to be. with them, my house, their house. i was so lost. i knew what it must have been to watch me go through the same things. it brought back every time i had thought of climbing over that same fence.

she's safe, she's admitted. i talked to rita for a couple hours this morning. she kept looking to me for answers, but i don't really have any to give. i can explain parts of my own attempts and how niki might have been feeling, but i don't know. as long as i can concentrate on her and what she needs, this wont hit me too hard for a while.

today's misinterpretation was more of a miscalculation.

kristian is a kind person, but i have no desire to know him. my time with him is obligation rather than obliged. i hate to feel that way. i think i may have hurt him and i don't know why i did. maybe it's because he hurt me initially, so i feel responsible for returning the disfavor.

my new friend sharon: i suppose my miscalucation here was once again assuming that others think like i do. she has taken it upon herself to contact my singer boy on my behalf. mortification. i suppose there is the off chance that it could turn out well, but in all likelihood what has really happened is that i now have one less bar to hang out at.

the artist: any minute now he will achieve nirvana and leave the rest of us behind. maybe his spiritual questing comes from his father being a minister. i can't help finding him simple and contrived for it. this too, will likely come to bite me in the ass.

philosophy boy: still have yet to meet. my current impression is that he is incredibly smart and will only be able to look down on me/ talk down to me. i can do that myself! and then i don't have to share the pizza or the covers. i get ahead of myself.

i was asked today to define art. definitions are labels are limitations are compartmentalizations are simplifications. i understand the need to label somethings in order to have clear, mass understanding. pineapple pizza is the same thing whether i order it from aroma or pizza hut. how can you do the same thing to something like art. it's an abstract concept, an essence. that's the only definition/label that i will give it.

the river is everywhere at once. just watched siddhartha. what i got was that we don't need to worry about more time (something we are eternally asking/begging/praying/wishing for) if we accept the moment.

did i miss that too?

i don't want to be still, to yeild, to disappear.
i don't want to be alone.
i want to flourish, i want to be.

hoping just to see the trees for the trees, fuck the forest 

i dreamt last night of the boy who never touched me. the boy i think wanted to,but never dared. could it really be that 13 years later, rejections and loneliness call upon dreams of devin geyer.

we were twentysomething and involved in some sort of class or project, paired together (by choice or not i couldn't tell). i loved him so much and was so infatuated, i did everything i could think of to beguile the boy that beguiled me. shirt straps fallen, exposed breast, brushing up against (in an innocent way at first), but to no avail. he never touched back. he would look from time to time and seemed pensive at times.

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

dating turns out to be the last thing in the world I enjoy. yes, it falls far behind jumping off the building and landing on a bicycle with no seat. feels about the same. there's exhilaration in the jump, the fall, the breathlessness and anxiety. but the landing...that's pretty much the wake up call and it sucks.

3 dates in the last month. one, kristian, wants to be friends (i think). he has a stellar ability to live life in a constant state of ambiguity. two, kevin, is looking for his ideal woman. guess what? i'm not it. and this guy, he was the one i actually liked, could see hanging out with and getting to know. so, of course, i wasn't for him. the third, i don't remember his name, but really just a grown up frat boy into extreme frisbee or something.

now, 8 hours at festivals this weekend, wandering the city through a maze of people. music festival should have been a playground for long-haired boys. book fair, well, not much difference. not a bite. not a word. not a smile. not a hint of interest from anyone but a 50ish man, drunken and creepy.

a singer, strong eyes, sumptuous voice, (and without a doubt) flowing hair. my inhibibtions and fears of rejection kept me too far away. there may have been a smile in there, but i couldn't tell for sure. day two at the festival and i worked up the courage to walk by and congratulate them on their sound. he was courteous, kind, and for all intents and purposes, uninterested.

wanda may have been right, that i can be intimidating. i tend to give off a 'don't talk to me' thing, because i don't know how to talk to them. i seem to have lost the nack for flighty, flirty, foolish conversation and lash batting.

seeing Brian has turned into a huge order.
not seeing Brian may turn ou to be easier.
he has developed a girlfriend since the planning started. I'm happy for him and want him to be happy, but there is still the human-girl side of me that will end up down there wondering why he wants her, and why doesn't he want me?

mom and dad continue to be blind to my minor accomplishments. Though I don't expect standng ovations or gifts of gold and frankinsense, it would be nice to know that they are happy for me and proud of me.

I recieve a gift from my father. Something from him to me, to let me know he's thinking of me. I guess a, "I saw this in the store and thought of you" kind of gift. Two tins of mints with a little bunny on each. The first says, "would you like to suck on a mint? Since you already suck all the time." and the other, "Wow, you're stupid. Would some candy make you feel better about that?" I don't know quite how to take it. People I've talked to interpret it differently. Kathy told me, "Stop laughing, it's not funny." Niki and Rita think it's a bit harsh. Gayle's mom thought it was funny.
It's just strange, since two weeks ago I called mom at midnight, crying about how nothing is right in my life and it hurts. Now he eitherdidn't know, didn't care, or doesn't get the connection.

getting my bearings

had actual mud kicked in my face today, something I never thought I would have to experience at 28 and 38DD.

Kathy's mom spoke my own words to her the other day. Told Kathy that she was sad because she was no one's number one. K responding by telling her that she must know WHY this is so?! Because of the way she treats people, mishandles people and mother-smothers. Does that mean that I am to blame for being alone. That there are inherint flaws in my personality that keep others from putting me first in their lives.

Maybe I misunderstood.