i feel like the ghost of a perfect stranger.

there is little to me and i don't understand the little that's there.

i've felt my heart breaking. it does it slowly, thinking i wont notice. that maybe i will think that the chill that's taken over me is due to the ravaging cold that blows outside.

i know better though. i've felt all this before. heard the deafening silence that screams though my house and mind . the quiet that assails me the moment i wake up, and mocks me to sleep at night. it's lullaby is one that i can do without, but i know all the words.

i've felt this before. the nothingness that creeps into my chest and pulls my ribcage tight against my spine. hitching my breath and stilling my heart.

i close my eyes and i see her. the woman i know to be myself, the woman i've seen since i was a child. she shakes her head and wrings her hands with a knowing, disapproving stare that i can't escape. she hates me. i can feel her judgment and know that it's my own. i open my eyes and can't reproduce her in my mind's eye, couldn't give a clear description, and that's the way she wants it. as long as i can't see her fully, i can't get rid of her.

and the red. the crimson rivers that i dream of. the blood baths. i feel my own veins reaching for the surface, begging to be opened, to empty, to release. afterall, that really is what i seem to be craving. release. release from pain. release from monotony. release from heartache and loneliness.

i know these cravings will dissipate. i remember them coming and going. and i know that my longing for death, for an end to this life, will wane and i will return one day to the contented plodding that i call my life.

but for now, i am tired. this world is not strong enough to hole me. and i am not strong enough to hold onto it.

this is the moment of my discontent.

happy face and all that shit have lost it.

another scar to stress over. it wouldnt bleed like i wanted it to. i didn't hurt like i needed it to.

pills that only make me sleep for hours not days or eternities.

i'm alone. and not in the sense that there is no one around me, but in the sternum caving in and pressing against verterba kind of loneliness. where even i don't exist enough to keep myself company.

the fact that i inflict this on others kills me further.

my hands are shaking and the headaches don't stop now. i know where this is going. couldn't make it to work, though i thought i might be able to thrust myself through the door with sheer velocity. my inner inertia is gone.

is it shaking or trembling? i can't tell. but it's inside too. the shaking that begins with the organs and works it's way to the surface. like watching a dog shake water from it's fur, starting with the head and traveling down till it's just the tip of the tail twitching.

and tears, just under the lids, ready to expose me at any moment. clouding vision and thought the same.

i just want to be, one way or the other. this 'life' is too much to bear. why do i need to writhe in limbo when others can live or die?