i'm going to try to be positive here. i've been whining just about enough.

yes, things are tough right now. yes, money is tight. sure, the chick from LA is still running around with the guy that i love for the next week or so. but really, it can't be all that bad.

there are moments when i sit and feel myself take a breath. it's a hesitant, hitching breath. but it finally fills me. it finally gets into all the places in my body that i've been depriving of life. i need to figure out how to control those breaths more. to have more of them more often.

i told a friend that i was upset about the situation with C. he said, "damn them for living their own lives!" now, i know he was trying to be funny, but also trying to prove a point. and the thing is, i don't mind that he has a life outside of me. what i do mind, what hurts, is the absence of him. the profound absence that i can only attribute to her place in his life. my call was not returned. my 2 texts were not returned. and i know that the reason they weren't was because he is occupied with her. that he's having fun with her, making love to her, laughing with her the way he does with me. and that's great, in a way, because i want him to be happy. but, it hurts just the same because he is absent to me.

and i miss him.

i miss the joking and the warmth. i miss the intensity and the slips of this mind that nearly escape his mouth. i miss his eyes.

money is still ugly, and in seriously short supply. there's a check about to go thru my bank, but it wont make it. and the sad part is, it's to my landlord again. i can pay my rent with my next check. but not my electricity or my phone. and i'm working my little ass off! that's the part that really kills me. i even had an hour of overtime on this coming check, i'm not spending money when i go out, and i still can't get ahead.

i'm at a loss. in so many ways.

last night, E said we should just give up. her voice was resolute. and while i know it will pass for her, as it always does, i know that it's hardly past for me. and the slow leak of my own life draining from me and down the drain has a particular appeal right now that i don't know how to contain.

valen-fucking-tines day.

next time, when the pan needs to be wasked so i can make eggs at home, i'll do that. because going out to eat this morning out of convenience, was not the smartest mood. valentines morning alone in public, while couple split omlets and coo i love you's... that is not the right way to start a valentines day alone.

this hurts, and there's nothing i can do.

his "friend" (the same word he uses for me) is in town for two weeks from L.A. yes, she has invaded my territory. she crossed the state line. she's here. and she's here for two weeks. and she's here on valentine's day.

which means, he's not with me. he's with her. and i am alone.

he was so sweet the other night. the night he told me she would be coming in. he was careful with me and romantic. he said, "it only takes a minute with you and i remember..." though i asked, he never finished the sentence. i don't know what he remembers. if he's remembering times with me, or feelings he was wishing he wasn't having.

and now here i am, having feelings i wish i wasn't having. feeling lost, yet still in love. feeling forgotten and trying to remain strong. he's with her now, holding her, kissing her, fucking her. and i'm in the goddamn library thinking of him. i'm here, stressing over the money that i don't have, over the food that isn't in the fridge, over the bills that i can't pay, and mostly, over the love that isn't returned.

he says, he hopes that no matter what, we'll stay friends. is he telling me that the romantic part of our friendship is done? he tells me he'll see me over the next two weeks, that there are things he has to do, work and such, that he won't be with her the entire time, and that we can get together then. i just don't want to be sandwhiched in between his times with her.

and, damn it, i want to stop crying. and i can't even cut, because, what if he comes back, after those two weeks. he will see. and he will know what effect he's had on me. and he'll know that i haven't changed that much. and then, he won't want to be with me anyway.

so i'm lost, and i'm alone. and i'm broke. and i don't know what to do. my january rent check bounced... twice. and i don't have the money to pay it. not for a week, not until i get paid again ont he 21st.

i dressed to work out today, but now i just want to go home. to sleep. my body feels like poison is coursing through it. there's a timgling and an uncomfortable warmth. this awful feeling that i've had before, when i've swallowed too hard. yet, this time, i can think of no reason for it.

well, i guess, aside from all the reasons above.

in the movies, he would return to me after this two weeks with her. he would hold me and tell me he thought of me the whole time, that he wants to be with me. that everything is better wtih me. but this isn't the movies. and the last time we spoke he told me that he didn't want me to limit myself. that he wanted me to be open to options and to enjoy others.

well, dear cole, it's hard to enjoy the company of others when your heart is slowly breaking. and not because you don't love me (because, while likely foolish, i do believe you do), but because you won't allow yourself to love me, to show me that love.

i understand your fears. you were married. it didn't last. it ended. and you don't want to feel those things again, you don't want to hurt again. but shutting off, shutting down, shutting out, that isn't the answer. not feeling is never the answer. i promise, i know.

bad days coming

there are jaws like lightning around my chest
pressing and compressing
shocking me to life with each uncertain breath.