Re: tast tuesday

toby: has a girlfriend, strong relationship. i'm okay with that. he is a riot though. completely random, totally funny, and so very sharp. he sat with us and chatted for a while. a real sweet guy.

pi: new relationship involving a small domestic disturbance. he came over and hung out with sharon and i for a while, showed up just as everyone i was with left. great timing. his girlfriend threw a fit over him being at tt's, or being there with two girls, or not answering his phone. who knows, but he was visibly upset, and i don't think it was a"fuck, i'm in trouble" upset, but rather a "i hurt her feelings" upset. i get the impression that the boy feels deeply. he has a kind soul. and he's just as pretty as i remember. anyway, he and toby gave a ride home around 2:30. very nice of him. they each did the gentleman'y kiss-on-the-hand thing (which of course leaves my little girl heart swooning for days. now, though, i'm stuck in the phase where i wonder if he's thought of me or what he thought of me. i don't want to be too obvious and ask sharon over and over, so i'm doing my best to sit back and wait. easier said than done. he was suspicious though, as to how i knew sharon, and i didn't want to tell him.

josh: the quentisential nice guy. bouncer at tt's. turns out he has a crush that i was unaware of. sweet guy, i'm just not getting a tingle in my bottom when i think of him.

niki: seems to be doing better. i wonder if i was like this after my attempt. clingy and needy. i'm sure i was, i just don't want to remember it. i had just as few friends at that point, so chances are someone took the brunt of it.

tig: either he age is finally catching up to her, or somehtings wrong. i'm not sure which, but she's been slower lately and not very attentive. i thought for a moment that she might be deaf.

life is getting less dry, but it could be because i'm drinking more.

i finally got a chance to spend some time with toby and pi. toby is hilarious. an absolute riot. completely random, but very intelligent. he's also quite happily involved. that's okay though, just knowing the guy would be great.

pi is lesser so involved, but still seeing someone, i guess for about 3 to 5 weeks. they had a small explosion last night when pi came over to tt's to hang out with sharon and i. i think she got a bit jealous, came over yelled at him and ran off. he spent a good bit more of the evening brooding on that. he's beautiful, and smart and kind from what i can gather. he was genuinely concerned about this girls' feelings, but also not willing to compromise himself in the process. i admire that. well, he and toby gave me ride home about 2:30 in the morning on their way to another bar. pi pressed a bit for how i knew sharon, but i'm hoping that i distracted him. if nothing else (and by that i mean if he isn't interested or is committed to this other girl), i'd still like to know him.

so i spent the evening pining away for this guy, and he asks me, "are you glowing?" i didn't think so, but if i was it was due to him. then later he mentioned that josh (the bouncer) was glowing for me. crushing a little. sweet guy too, but really, i'm not feeling whatever he is. isn't that always the way it goes? here i am grappling for one guy, while one is grappling for me. would being on the same wavelength with someone be such a travesty of nature?

i'm hoping to hear from sharon (a really sweet, kind and seemingly innocent girl) to see if pi mentioned anything about me.

portia's leaving soon. i hate it. i'm going to miss her so much.

i'm such a fucking girl.

i thought he might call or e-mail, but no. i'd like to think that i have the same power over people that i let them have over me. but no.

i put together a cd for him. its foolish really. i think maybe crushing on someone is somehow easier (though still painful) than going for it.

i'm such a fucking girl.

trader todd's: transvestite bingo, toby calling numbers between songs, knocking a drink onto nevill. good times with friends.

portia's still leaving soon. who will be my bad influence now?

i miss you rapture. wherever you are, please come home to me. your extremes, your fire, your tangling embrace and lusty breath. if you read this, come back. i'm waiting, but my patience is growing thin.

to memory, he has
the voice of destiny
eyes full of fate

found comfort in the stillness and quiet and alone
but craving chaos and life and connections
wanting to touch and be touched
and feel the ache of the break that results.
yearning for the seen but just out of reach
wanting to make mine what yet seems unclaimed
the depth of the sky in his eyes
the life of the universe in his voice--
would that that depth fall on me just once
that life speak my name.
to feel the ravages of raw passion once again
and then again and again
forsake the stillness for his entropy
the quiet for his song
the alone for his mere company.