i did it. i told him. the stupid girl in me rushed forward and did it.

he had an audition in new orleans for a "be the next lead singer of inxs" thing. i got dad to get him buddy passes so that he could fly cheap. i took him to the airport and watched his dogs for him while he was gone. i wanted to badly to kiss him either when i dropped him off at the airport or when i picked him up, but i didn't. then i cried oer my lack of spine.

we gets back, says he owes me, gives me the postcard that i had asked for. we hung out that night, drinking and watching a dvd. he got tired and said he was going to bed. i asked if i could crash till i sobered up. he handed me a pillow and blanket for the couch. i told him i was just going to go home. cried all the way.

don't worry, it gets more pathetic.

monday night he called a few times. wanted to know if i wanted to hang out. of course. so i met him for drinks after hours at big city, josh came along too. they both oohed and ahhed over the girl behind the bar who happens to bear my name. sarah jane. asked me if she wasn't the sexiest girl. cute sure, but not the be all end all. josh asked me to go home with him. pie took me home. i asked him to come in and he declined. said he needed to get home to his dogs. we talked a bit more in the car (5am). mentioned that he wanted me to go to new orleans with him some time. that he thought i would like it. told me he broke up with tiffany and that he was loving being single. couple this with him calling me sexy all night nd the drinks i'd had... you see where this is going.

i asked him again if he wanted to come in, told him i just didn't want to sleep alone tonight. he told me he would love to take me in and bend me over the couch, but that he needed to go. heart breaking and courage crumbling, i got out of the car, went around to his side, and mustered up the courage to kiss him. then told him i was going to say something and walk away, and that i didn't want him to say anything. i told him that he is an incredible friend and that i don't want to lose that. i told him that i love him. he said something, and i reiterated, "no, i love you." and i walked inside. i think he said something but i was too struck by my own stupidity to hear.

i'd given him a lighter that night. a purple zippo that i got for him. he laid his on the counter. i have it and egan tells me to never give it back.

i just want to hold on to him. i want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him. i want his warmth. i want to listed to him talk excitedly about music and watch him do that little bouncing thing he does when he gets silly-excited. i want him to love me too.

but now, i can't call him, though i want so badly to, to hear his voice. it takes all my strength to get through the day.

i've cut over this. i hate it, but i'm compelled.

silly silly girl.

not an upward spiral or a downward. is it possible to have a lateral spiral? just mild loops of good and bad, confusion and clarity, content with life and desire for death.

egan is a little upset with me. seems she and dave just can't play nice and now i'm in the middle. ah, the middle. normally i would jump at the opportunity to be in the middle of a threesome, but this one is just trouble. they work together and can get along great there, but outside of the office-- yikes. tension and accusations and misinterpretations abound.

its a shame too, because i have an amazing time with both both of them, but for some reason they each have this infinitly thick barrier of defense around them. a single word is an attack on the other.

was it my idea to be so strong,
to set my jaw so straight i can't move it anymore?
how did i chose to hold yours up
when mine was droped and lost so long ago?