if there was a moment i was uncomfortable, i never told you. and that is my fault. why i didn't just say, "stop with the sex talk, it's getting obscene" or "does the fact that i'm not reciprocating any more in this play occur to you?". yes, we bantered, we've flirted. it felt harmless for a while. but now there is again touching. your hand finds my ass all too often. you press against me sometimes in a way that isn't friendly. comments about my underwear. and then there are the mean things you say. and i know you're joking, but i start to tear a little bit when them continuously come, one after another, and there are rips in my suit of armor.

i wonder if this is how you interact with all your female friends or if this is different due to your attraction. i wonder if you incite these comments and how they handle them.

i've said too much in the past, and i've said too little in the present. comments thrown across a pool table are meant to deter balls from finding pockets. a slip. but this is my fault. i should be able to say, "stop, this doesn't feel good", but the fact is, i'm so used to hearing these words from people all my life... i didn't expect it from you and now that it is you too, i'm starting to think that a body is all i am to anyone.

i've put on weight. i hate that i have. i know why too. it's a way to increase the space around me, to keep others farther off, to hide those parts that seem to grab attention. i don't want to do that. i like my body, feminine and soft. i don't need to be reminded of it all the time though.

why can't i say these things out loud?

and you aren't the only one i'm silent with. there are others. men that manhandle me verbally around sex or intelligence or personality. and i let it go. or i think i do. until i end up writing a post on it and crying.

please, read this. let me be a coward.