turning

it's funny. how people see strength in me when i feel like a quivering mass. how they see me as weak when i feel i'm solid. it's okay. it's just funny.

i left work this morning feeling good. better than i had in a few days. i'd spent time, beautiful and pure time, with jan. i like that she can see me. i love that she trusts me to see her.

i drove down my street to the beach access and walked to the water. it had been days since i'd seen the water, and she welcomed me home without hesitation. i wanted so badly to be folded into her liquid embrace, to flow into her, become her slowly, be one with her instantly. one day i will dive into her with a force that will scare god. there's my rapture and my solace at once.

i talked with her, told her of the hurt that my mortal parents have brought me, and asked for the strength to ebb and flow on. i gathered some rocks, the smoothest i could feel in the near light of morning. i thanked her, kissed her softly and made my way home.

yes, home. the little one-bedroom at the top of the hill where my pup was curled warm against herself and waiting for me. home, where the dishes from nights before still sit in the sink and clothes of varying cleanliness mound. home, where all is still for me. home where they can never find me, and have never asked to see. if i can keep this place free of them, it will continue to be home, the soft and solid place i can return to.

so, i'm at ease today. i'm at peace with being overwieght and overdrawn. and as long as i don't answer the phone i'll be okay. if i never again hear him ask, "have you lost any weight? are you exercising? what are you up/down to now?", if i never hear her ask, "where is it going? what are you spending it on?", i if ican keep my home clear of those words, i'll be just fine. i'll be splendid. becuase i know it's him who fights his weigh, him who has taught me through his actions to use food as comfort and punishment the same. and it's her who spends ravenously, redecorating a house that no one sees because they have no visitors. i need to give those back to them. and soon, i think i'll be able to.