its quiet, and i'm tired. not just now, but most of the time. sleep is my best diversion, my best distraction from banality. it's there that i can float and swim and be enchanted and loved. sadly, it is also there that the demons surface, clamor on my back and rein me by the hair to their depths.

but i do dream. i've stopped dreaming during waking, stopped planning and pursuing. i wait till sleep to unfold my desires, keeping my rational mind a great distance. when i dream, i want to see the beauty that harsh light takes away. i prefer the dim glow, the shadows and light's reflection. i don't mind the view inside the cave reflected on the wall.

don't get me wrong. i do find beauty in the world, just not usually where human hands have been. or where human voices are. i see it in the bursting waves and the changing sky. i see it when i'm alone. i see it when no one else is looking. sometimes i see it in the eyes of others when they are seeking acceptance so purely.

i didn't recognize myself today. it's a strange feeling to catch sight in the mirror and not realize it's yourself. to have a moment's hesitation before, ''oh, that's me". it isn't all bad, it's just strange.

i can't find strength for myself, but i will be solid for others. my dear friend j is hurting, she has begun to feel defeated and tired. and i will be her strength until her own returns. i care too much for her to see her pulled in by the pettiness and ignorance of those around her. those who have never felt pain and loss and despair as uncompromising as she has and still endured.

e- i'm okay. i'm weighted down but not drowning. i'm just very much alone, and not in the way that i most days enjoy. i'm alone at my soul's core. i'm feeling the innate separateness a little more strongly than i like. i'm too aware of things not happening around me. i'm too sensitive to affections not given. i'm too needful of things that will not come. i want to shout words that i can't whisper. but i'm okay.