sooo, updates....

its here i hear the lily dance--

i've not heard from distraction. my lack of communication may have finally made point. i feel sad though. his last email included the line, "'cause i kinda like you and want to hang out or whatever". and if that is charlie brown down gazing and kicking at the dirt over the little redheaded girl, i don't know what is. but it's gotten silent. there haven't been emails or IM's in a couple days. i think that the bloom is finally off the rose.

its here i hear the lily dance--

the hiker, the pirate and the writer. two down and one to go, by way of internet introductions. the hiker came out on saturday afternoon. we walked the beach, sat and talked, had a drink (well i did, he had water), then went for dinner at a little dive bar i love. the hiker was gentle. gentle in appearance--soft and large. gentle in voice--never sharp, never above accepted conversation levels. gentle in gaze--no tawdry looks or wandering eyes. gentle in speech--politically correct and morally correct, buddhist. all this gentility lends me to believe that he may also be gentle of mind. so, while none of these are bad things, and are in fact often sought after, i never felt engaged or engaging.

and so, by 8 he had gone. with a gentle hug and a wish to see me in portland soon. by nine i had received an email from the pirate, saying he was bored. i sent him my address and told him to get on mapquest then get in the car. it would take two hours to get to me. he wrote back that he would. and he did. and he too was gentle. timid from years of being alone. shyness little helped with alcohol is a hard and fast shyness to be met with. and he was supposed to be the pirate, the raucous and rowdy. i took him to bed, he's come prepared for the practicalities but not the act itself. a 6 year hiatus had left him more than a little tense. i worked over an hour, hand and mouth, to massage this man, to relax him, to free him. .... the hardest part for me has always been when the gentleman acknowledges his record setting times. as this one did. and the most compassionate and fitting reply is hardly ever enough to soothe that wounded ego. but i try. as i did with the pirate. morning came, he bid me farewell and said he wished to me in portland soon. and i was left to more stillness.

its here i hear the lily dance--

the writer. he's on his way to my last hometown in two weeks. making a break for chicago, hoping for a break with his writing, which i think is great, but has been met with less than encouraging words from friends. we banter. i can hear the bitter sarcasm leaping from his tongue like pop-rocks and coke. i can hear it because i've known it. he's dry and satirical. sardonic and sarcastic. and i would get wet enough just at that. but he's about to move. and i'm afraid to ruin the fantasy by meeting him, and he's afraid of meeting a fantasy by meeting me. we've agreed we should meet, have an anti-climactic encounter and part ways to return to cyber flirtation. he'll be free to leave portland unencumbered by romantic intrigue and i'll be free to remain unencumbered. i'll be left to the stillness and the silence again.

its here i hear the lily dance--

tonight, two weeks after first writing to the surfer/photographer/millionaire... three unanswered emails later... tonight i get this:

Sj, no worries, I love your enthusiasm, maybe you should become a photog! I know a way you could school in 9 months... and come work... busy me, gotta go...C

no mention of his trip up here this coming weekend. no mention of a meeting. only a brief allusion to my embarrassment over asking a famed photographer to "show me how" and look at my photos. where for a moment the announcement of his name in my outbox stirred me, the moment past and left me still. again. so still.

its here i hear the lily dance--

its here i hear the lily dance
swaying 'gainst the reaching grass
swirling with the whistling wind
her only partner shadow cast.

that, my friend, is my update. my disconnected, gentle, timid, relocating, better forgotten update.

but i guess it's been quite a dance.