maroon, scarlet, powder pink and silvery peach paths of moments and events, of emotions and numbing silences. these are my gifts unto myself, like each tattoo and it's meaning behind. these are the brands that, not define, but give definition to me. my own personal braille history written out my skin.
when i fel ugly, they are ugly to me. when i am strong, they're signs of strength. when i feel beautiful, they are beauty marks to me.
so when she calls these symbols mutilations, i can only believe that she sees me as one too.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
i highly recommend the new peanut butter filled hershey's kisses. though, maybe not the whole bag in one sitting. but should you happen to find yourself halfway there, probably best to just finsih it off. a single day of guilt is better than several.
i'm trying to decided whether or not to watch a movie i just bought. 'what dreams may come'. fantastic film, truly beautiful, but i'm not sure i can handle the look of her forearm right now.
the ring has resurfaced. pie's ring. the one he rather unceremoniously let me have. it's back to it's rightful place on hand. i'd almost gotten used to the way i felt without it. just like him, to pop up as soon as i've forgotten him.
my airmattress, the "couch" of my living room has finally expired. it slowly lowers me to the ground, almost imperceptively, until i register the hard floor beneath me. this is feeling metaphorical to me.
i'm trying to decided whether or not to watch a movie i just bought. 'what dreams may come'. fantastic film, truly beautiful, but i'm not sure i can handle the look of her forearm right now.
the ring has resurfaced. pie's ring. the one he rather unceremoniously let me have. it's back to it's rightful place on hand. i'd almost gotten used to the way i felt without it. just like him, to pop up as soon as i've forgotten him.
my airmattress, the "couch" of my living room has finally expired. it slowly lowers me to the ground, almost imperceptively, until i register the hard floor beneath me. this is feeling metaphorical to me.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
turning
it's funny. how people see strength in me when i feel like a quivering mass. how they see me as weak when i feel i'm solid. it's okay. it's just funny.
i left work this morning feeling good. better than i had in a few days. i'd spent time, beautiful and pure time, with jan. i like that she can see me. i love that she trusts me to see her.
i drove down my street to the beach access and walked to the water. it had been days since i'd seen the water, and she welcomed me home without hesitation. i wanted so badly to be folded into her liquid embrace, to flow into her, become her slowly, be one with her instantly. one day i will dive into her with a force that will scare god. there's my rapture and my solace at once.
i talked with her, told her of the hurt that my mortal parents have brought me, and asked for the strength to ebb and flow on. i gathered some rocks, the smoothest i could feel in the near light of morning. i thanked her, kissed her softly and made my way home.
yes, home. the little one-bedroom at the top of the hill where my pup was curled warm against herself and waiting for me. home, where the dishes from nights before still sit in the sink and clothes of varying cleanliness mound. home, where all is still for me. home where they can never find me, and have never asked to see. if i can keep this place free of them, it will continue to be home, the soft and solid place i can return to.
so, i'm at ease today. i'm at peace with being overwieght and overdrawn. and as long as i don't answer the phone i'll be okay. if i never again hear him ask, "have you lost any weight? are you exercising? what are you up/down to now?", if i never hear her ask, "where is it going? what are you spending it on?", i if ican keep my home clear of those words, i'll be just fine. i'll be splendid. becuase i know it's him who fights his weigh, him who has taught me through his actions to use food as comfort and punishment the same. and it's her who spends ravenously, redecorating a house that no one sees because they have no visitors. i need to give those back to them. and soon, i think i'll be able to.
i left work this morning feeling good. better than i had in a few days. i'd spent time, beautiful and pure time, with jan. i like that she can see me. i love that she trusts me to see her.
i drove down my street to the beach access and walked to the water. it had been days since i'd seen the water, and she welcomed me home without hesitation. i wanted so badly to be folded into her liquid embrace, to flow into her, become her slowly, be one with her instantly. one day i will dive into her with a force that will scare god. there's my rapture and my solace at once.
i talked with her, told her of the hurt that my mortal parents have brought me, and asked for the strength to ebb and flow on. i gathered some rocks, the smoothest i could feel in the near light of morning. i thanked her, kissed her softly and made my way home.
yes, home. the little one-bedroom at the top of the hill where my pup was curled warm against herself and waiting for me. home, where the dishes from nights before still sit in the sink and clothes of varying cleanliness mound. home, where all is still for me. home where they can never find me, and have never asked to see. if i can keep this place free of them, it will continue to be home, the soft and solid place i can return to.
so, i'm at ease today. i'm at peace with being overwieght and overdrawn. and as long as i don't answer the phone i'll be okay. if i never again hear him ask, "have you lost any weight? are you exercising? what are you up/down to now?", if i never hear her ask, "where is it going? what are you spending it on?", i if ican keep my home clear of those words, i'll be just fine. i'll be splendid. becuase i know it's him who fights his weigh, him who has taught me through his actions to use food as comfort and punishment the same. and it's her who spends ravenously, redecorating a house that no one sees because they have no visitors. i need to give those back to them. and soon, i think i'll be able to.
found beauty
these stones look like ancient monsters resting on the shore.
the most amazing part of working nights, is being awake for the sunrise and the sunset almost every day.
the pier at 51st street beach.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
whinning and weak. skip this post. don't read.
i've found it. my poison. the thing that brings me closer to a final, lasting sleep. the thing that makes me crave high cliffs and sharp knives.
my poison thinks it's a vitamin, a bandaid, a crutch and a loving embrace.
my poison does not know that it insights dreams that drain me for entire days. my poison thinks its palliative.
my poison runs thru me in my blood. it's pieces of my face in the mirror.
my poison has two names, mother and father.
they don't like me. i'm sure it's been years since they have. i went for a degree they thought was foolish. i transferred schools too many times to understand. i dated boys they never would have picked or even allowed at their dinner table. i moved. i died. i moved again. i died some more.
it's the sound of your voice in the messages you leave. it's the clipped and quick emails. it's the diatribes that start, "i hope you aren't _______ again", and end your voice an octave higher and strained.
if i knew how to get out from under the two of you completely, i would be there now. i thought this last move would help, but instead matters of money have pulled you closer in. you think i fritter money away. but frittering away on rent and food don't seem foolish to me. yes there is debt. and it will take a couple months to resolve, to get the account positive again. do you know that i freeze, don't turn on the heat to keep the bills down? do you know that i starve a little, my calories down below a thousand a day not from dieting, but from my own food conservation and rationing techniques? do you know that i've turned down 3 dates because i had no cash and was scared that they guys hadn't planned on paying? i've lost boyfriends and friends because they see the weakness you brought me. and they want nothing to do with an ailing girl.
it's not my current spending that is the source of my debt, it's the bills from past that i can't even chip at. it's the emergency room visits and ambulance rides that i never asked for. it's the loan payments to programs i didn't finish in part because i knew they would never please you. and now the loan officers call you. you pay, then call and reprimand me. those collection calls aren't the only reason i don't answer the phone. i can't hear your chastising voice again.
you say that 2 days off a week and 8 hour days are a privilege, that i need another job, you know like a hotel once a week so i can meet people. no one hires once a week people. but i've done it, found another caretaking position for a women who's retreated into her past. the advantages of the job are not the pay, but that the woman who hired me told me i could eat anything i wanted. so at least twice a month (because i'm respite and that's all she needs me now unless i could do 24 hour shifts) i'll get a meal. but my conscience will keep that meal as peanut butter and toast. because i can't bear to deplete someone else's resources as i seemingly have yours.
and my real employer, the one i am infinitely grateful to, the one who is my friend and real support. she thinks that i've done her a favor by "hanging on so long". but what she doesn't see is that it's her understanding, her acceptance of me that makes her valuable to me, not the checks she hands out. and i can't even tell her all of it. you, mother and father, have taught me that i'm not okay, and i can't inflict that on her as well. only now i've asked her favors i have never asked before, cash advances, special treatment. and though i love her for her unflinching support, i hate myself more for having to go there.
i guess i'm finally becoming the person you think i am. weak and small. Burdensome and needy. and though i would love to blame you, my poison, for my ailment and my waning life, i still protect you and blame myself.
but i'm alone because of you. people can see the poison still wet on me and know to stay away. or i keep myself from others out of fear of infecting them too. you're killing me in so many ways. my determination to go on is fragmented, but not gone.
but please know, that when i die, it will be your poison, your venom, your vitriol, that kills me.
and still, i love you?
my poison thinks it's a vitamin, a bandaid, a crutch and a loving embrace.
my poison does not know that it insights dreams that drain me for entire days. my poison thinks its palliative.
my poison runs thru me in my blood. it's pieces of my face in the mirror.
my poison has two names, mother and father.
they don't like me. i'm sure it's been years since they have. i went for a degree they thought was foolish. i transferred schools too many times to understand. i dated boys they never would have picked or even allowed at their dinner table. i moved. i died. i moved again. i died some more.
it's the sound of your voice in the messages you leave. it's the clipped and quick emails. it's the diatribes that start, "i hope you aren't _______ again", and end your voice an octave higher and strained.
if i knew how to get out from under the two of you completely, i would be there now. i thought this last move would help, but instead matters of money have pulled you closer in. you think i fritter money away. but frittering away on rent and food don't seem foolish to me. yes there is debt. and it will take a couple months to resolve, to get the account positive again. do you know that i freeze, don't turn on the heat to keep the bills down? do you know that i starve a little, my calories down below a thousand a day not from dieting, but from my own food conservation and rationing techniques? do you know that i've turned down 3 dates because i had no cash and was scared that they guys hadn't planned on paying? i've lost boyfriends and friends because they see the weakness you brought me. and they want nothing to do with an ailing girl.
it's not my current spending that is the source of my debt, it's the bills from past that i can't even chip at. it's the emergency room visits and ambulance rides that i never asked for. it's the loan payments to programs i didn't finish in part because i knew they would never please you. and now the loan officers call you. you pay, then call and reprimand me. those collection calls aren't the only reason i don't answer the phone. i can't hear your chastising voice again.
you say that 2 days off a week and 8 hour days are a privilege, that i need another job, you know like a hotel once a week so i can meet people. no one hires once a week people. but i've done it, found another caretaking position for a women who's retreated into her past. the advantages of the job are not the pay, but that the woman who hired me told me i could eat anything i wanted. so at least twice a month (because i'm respite and that's all she needs me now unless i could do 24 hour shifts) i'll get a meal. but my conscience will keep that meal as peanut butter and toast. because i can't bear to deplete someone else's resources as i seemingly have yours.
and my real employer, the one i am infinitely grateful to, the one who is my friend and real support. she thinks that i've done her a favor by "hanging on so long". but what she doesn't see is that it's her understanding, her acceptance of me that makes her valuable to me, not the checks she hands out. and i can't even tell her all of it. you, mother and father, have taught me that i'm not okay, and i can't inflict that on her as well. only now i've asked her favors i have never asked before, cash advances, special treatment. and though i love her for her unflinching support, i hate myself more for having to go there.
i guess i'm finally becoming the person you think i am. weak and small. Burdensome and needy. and though i would love to blame you, my poison, for my ailment and my waning life, i still protect you and blame myself.
but i'm alone because of you. people can see the poison still wet on me and know to stay away. or i keep myself from others out of fear of infecting them too. you're killing me in so many ways. my determination to go on is fragmented, but not gone.
but please know, that when i die, it will be your poison, your venom, your vitriol, that kills me.
and still, i love you?
Thursday, February 16, 2006
nothing is real except our dreams
in this moment i'm dreaming a better life for you
a life where your will goes undaunted
your vision unobscured but ugliness
your voice untempered by those of others
i dream i walk beside you to that world
and place your hands upon each new experience
as you investigate and marvel over them,
a "miracleworker" moment
in this moment i'm dreaming a better life for you
a life where your will goes undaunted
your vision unobscured but ugliness
your voice untempered by those of others
i dream i walk beside you to that world
and place your hands upon each new experience
as you investigate and marvel over them,
a "miracleworker" moment
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
it's gone.
the ring i all but pried from his finger. a connection to him. in hopes he'd think of me.
i'd always figured that when i was really over him, i would sent it back with thanks. but now it's gone and i don't know what to think.
was this carelessness? does that carelessness mean that i'm done? or was it some hideous accident that will mess with my heart and mind?
are my fingers shrinking? or are my connections shrinking?
i don't know what to do.
the ring i all but pried from his finger. a connection to him. in hopes he'd think of me.
i'd always figured that when i was really over him, i would sent it back with thanks. but now it's gone and i don't know what to think.
was this carelessness? does that carelessness mean that i'm done? or was it some hideous accident that will mess with my heart and mind?
are my fingers shrinking? or are my connections shrinking?
i don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
happiness peace and blessings on your 30th, vinnie
happy birthday
against every fiber of who i am, this is the only birthday gift you will get from me.
every beat of my heart is battering me on this. but my head must win out this time.
i would have sent you gifts, would have showered you with the attentions and affections that befit a dear friend. i would have, but to do so would only reinforce your lackluster attitude toward me.
you can easily forget me, brush me aside, be too busy to talk. i see that now. and i'll let you be. i'll let you forget and brush aside and busy yourself without me.
but i will raise a glass to you today, silently and invisibly. and all my wishes on your birthday will be for me. in the space of breath it takes to blow out your 30 candles, these wishes will pass my lips.
i wish that i was a person you wanted in your life, that i was important to you, that you thought of me, that you thought kindly of me, that you knew your importance in my life, and that i had not so quickly lost the friend i just rediscovered.
(30 candles is a lot, so there was plenty of breath for that)
those are my heart felt wishes, though to you, they're just thin air.
i love you vinnie. be well.
against every fiber of who i am, this is the only birthday gift you will get from me.
every beat of my heart is battering me on this. but my head must win out this time.
i would have sent you gifts, would have showered you with the attentions and affections that befit a dear friend. i would have, but to do so would only reinforce your lackluster attitude toward me.
you can easily forget me, brush me aside, be too busy to talk. i see that now. and i'll let you be. i'll let you forget and brush aside and busy yourself without me.
but i will raise a glass to you today, silently and invisibly. and all my wishes on your birthday will be for me. in the space of breath it takes to blow out your 30 candles, these wishes will pass my lips.
i wish that i was a person you wanted in your life, that i was important to you, that you thought of me, that you thought kindly of me, that you knew your importance in my life, and that i had not so quickly lost the friend i just rediscovered.
(30 candles is a lot, so there was plenty of breath for that)
those are my heart felt wishes, though to you, they're just thin air.
i love you vinnie. be well.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
what heart
a heart that doesn't yearn
close my heart
quiet it's beating
still it's coursing
and all it's wanting.
a heart seeks simply love--
also does not ache.
a heart that doesn't love also does not break.
close my heart
quiet it's beating
still it's coursing
and all it's wanting.
a heart seeks simply love--
a love to have--
to return.
ironies
your disinterest
nudges at me
like a cannon ball
your feather soft
words of kindness
knock me down
i cannot stand
when i'm near you
and cannot stand
to be away
nudges at me
like a cannon ball
your feather soft
words of kindness
knock me down
i cannot stand
when i'm near you
and cannot stand
to be away
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Pretty
In an attempt to be pretty
She rolled her hair before bed
And spent all night awake, tossing
Due to the lumped coils on her head.
In the morning
Her hair was coiled
Perfect
But all attention went
To dark circles beneath her eyes.
And the curls
Were gone
By noon.
She rolled her hair before bed
And spent all night awake, tossing
Due to the lumped coils on her head.
In the morning
Her hair was coiled
Perfect
But all attention went
To dark circles beneath her eyes.
And the curls
Were gone
By noon.