away

i've been away
i've been here but i've been away
even moments when i should be most here
i've been away.
away from my passion
away from my desires
away from my heart
i've been away.
but here
while i wait for him to arrive
while i wait for him to come to me
while i wait for him to stray away
i'm here.
and here's a tricky place to be
be with him
be without him
be beside myself without him.
because he isn't with me
he may not even like me
the essesence of me
the person
aside from the body.
and there's no way to know
no good way to ask
without sending him thinking
and sending him running
away.

for E and me

Take a look at my body,
look at my hands
there's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises,
whispered like prayers
I don't need them.

Cuz I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable...

Well, contempt loves the silence
it thrives in the dark,
the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them... no I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
in the frost killing hour
sweet turning sour
& untouchable.

ooh I need
the darkness,
the sweetness,
the sadness,
the weakness,
ooh I need this.
Need a lullabye,
a kiss goodnight,
angel, sweet love of my life
ooh I need this

I'm a slow dying flower
frost killing hour
the sweet turning sour
& untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before,
all the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored...
Your face saving promises
whispered like prayers.
I don't need them.

I need the darkness,
the sweetness,
the sadness,
the weakness,
ooh I need this.
I need a lullabye
a kiss goodnight,
angel, sweet love of my life
ooh I need this
Well, is it dark enough,
can you see me?
do you want me?
can you reach me?
or I'm leaving...
you better shut your mouth
and hold your breath
you kiss me now,
you catch your death
oh I mean this...
oh I mean this..

--Natalie Merchant, My Skin

Hard to Get

First and foremost: i hope that my dilligent blog-buddy will post often during her difficult time. while i can't be there beside her to push and nudge, console and commisurate, i am with her in heart and in hurt. i love you.

now, on to pure drudgery.

i am an open and honest person (for the most part), and ideally, i like the idea of people being open and honest with me (unless it's really painful, then feel free to temper yourself a bit). i've been told that i give too much too soon. then, the mystery and thrill of the hunt are over and men tire and move along. yes?

okay, so, this is the beginning of something new for me. i decided today, well, like 30 minutes ago, that i would now become 'hard to get'.

huh

only i don't know how to do it without coming off as bitchy and, well, not myself. (this is not to say that bitchy is not part of my character makeup).

in short, we went out on two dates, about two weeks ago. yes, i slept with him on both dates. so what. i wanted sex, i got it. emails have been scarce over the last two weeks with gaps that leave me quite questioning. but today, after nothing for several days, i got one. an email that tells me he's in AZ helping a friend and playing. an email that tells me that he'll be back in town on tuesday. an email that asks if i want "to hang out?"

DUH! of course i do. but, would the 'hard to get' girl tell him that? or, would she wait two or three days to get back to him on his email? would she tell him she has plans for tuesday, how's wednesday? would she sleep with him again? (the sex was pretty good).

a mutual friend tells me he's a "player, but not in a mean way". he's a big (handsome) fish in a (very) small pond out here. he likely has his pick of serveral women on any given night. i'm sure he's had sex at least once since we saw each other, and likely left a few girls panting and teased. so, my friend tells me i have to stand out. i have to be less interested. i have to hold back. i have to be hard to get.

so, please advise... how would the hard to get girl respond? because as much as i want to be gotten, i don't want to stray too far from the girl i am. i want desperately to be wanted desperately, for who and how i am and not a game i've played. and i like this guy. in a down to earth way. so, now, more than ever, i don't want to dive in too fast only to crash on the rocks.

dream

i dreamt last night that i was with him... a lovely guy who loved me. he'd invited me to his family home for an evening with his parents and siblings. every time i looked at him, i could feel myself smile and warm. i could see him glow a little. his family was large, sisters and brothers and an old-country grandmother who spoke broken english but was wise in ways of reading people. he and i curled up in each other on the couch, sat across from each other at the table (better to gaze at each other that way), and spent the happiest evening i'd had in a long time. later the men sat around the tv and the women collected at the table over deserts and coffee and tea. the women asked me questions, both personal and not. they were gauging my feelings for their darling boy. once in a while i would look over towards him, and his eyes were never on me. it didn't feel like i was being ignored though, he simply knew that i would be fine and didn't need his constant attention. and the women would be looking at each other and smiling when i returned my attention to them, because they could see me swooning a little every time i looked at him. they could see that i loved him just as much as they did.

this was my dream last night... and i guess it still is this morning.

i swallowed his breath too quickly
and choked
once again

because of E

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