on the eve of a new year and the end of the old, i find myself still at a crossroads. even the cards tell me so. i know that a path has to be chosen. i can choose for some instances and not for others.

the boy thing: he came to stay iwth me christmas night and didn't leave until friday noon. our time was cleanly split between bed, movies and bars. we laughed a lot. he's kind. he's considerate. but he's got walls i can't climb. but what was beginning to happen, was that everytime i thought about how much i care for him, it felt as though someone was sitting on my chest. i decided to choose a path. i decided to commit to the path and trust that it would lead to me where i'm supposed to be. i decided to be truer to myself and more honest with him. so i spoke. and i told him, "i really like you, and i'm afraid it's only gonna get worse. i know that isn't what you wanted or are looking for, so if you don't want to see me anymore, it's okay. i understand. i justed needed to be honest with myself and with you." he, said nothing. no reply. yet over the course of our days togetherhe'd say, out of the blue, "you're awesome" and "you rock". which, if i was just a drinking buddy, i would take as high praise. and while those things are nice to hear, i'm not sure he can say anything else, whether he feels it or not. i think he's a little afriad of me. so i went back to sleep, after my confession. we had sex in the morning and he left. that was friday. it's sunday now. no word. but i'm still consoled by the fact that i was true to myself and honest with him.

the move: the move to portland. it really should happen. i'm not sure why i'm staying here. and i'm really not looking that hard for a job in portland. which i should be. i think i just need a hand. i'm hoping for some cosmic gentling in one direction. something to point me towards a destination. something to spark me to move from where i am. and while it's only been a couple months, if he asked, i'd move in with him. he did offer the boat that he watches. a free place to stay 20 minutes or so out of portland. small, but free for a while, til i find something else.

the family: that's just always gonna be what it is and where it is. and while i know that they just want to see me, asking me for the dates that the spa will be closed EVERY OTHER DAY isn't helping. i don't know. no one knows. they haven't set the date. what more can i tell them?

life: do i want to go back and start over in psychology? credits are old, i'll likely have to start over. do i want to just take the couple classes and finish the massage? get an oregon license and do that? do i want to do something new? study photography? start a different path? i've gotten tired and i just don't know.

but, witht he beginning of a new year and the end of an old, surely things will have new light. i'll see them a new way. and something will glisten.

happy new year to all. may you be blessed with love, happiness and peace in the coming year and beyond.

illuminated

it's cold here now
but a light flickers warmth
in the distance
and the promise of thawing
teases.

Strange candles on far winds
never forgotten
but thought extinguished
hold gentle glow and incendiary, smoldering
promise.

In the light of remembrance
In the lightening of loves gone past
i am illuminated
and will shine brighter for it's reflection
i am illuminated

apology accepted.
i love you too
and always will.
see in you a few months.

thank you.

sign

i've been having a convergence of signs lately. everything is coming up 11's.

my birthday is 11/11. and for the last few weeks, 11 have dominated my life. i made $11.11 in tips a week ago. at the blood drive the other day i was #11. my clock stoped at 11:11 the other night. and other such strangeness.

but it all simply leads me to believe that i am where i'm supposed to be. so i have been calmed by it.

then, last night (not at 11, but at 1:15am) my phone rang 11 times. then stopped. and rang again. i thought it was egan, so i picked up. (granted it took me a lot of rings, but i was trying to figure out who would be calling me and why.) the voice on the other end asked if i knew who it was, and i was afraid to even venture a guess. tim... shawn (though he's never called me)... cole. none of them seemed right. none of them would be playing this guessing game with me. after a couple hints, i realized who it was. it was V. and as good as it was to hear his voice, i was never prepared for the words that came from him.

he apologized. said he'd been an ass. said he'd behaved poorly, and wasn't entirely sure why. said he was sorry for not responding to me. i told him it had been months, and i wasn't angry.

he hedged around feelings, but expressed them well to my ear. i told him i loved him too, and always would.

he said some of the nicest things he's ever said to me.

he told me he would be in the area in about 5 months and would like to see me then.

and, while it wasn't an 11, it gave me hope and sign that i am exactly where i'm supposed to be.

will you

if i ask nicely,
will you do what i say,
will you trust me
with your comfort in the dark?
if i appear stronger
will you follow my command,
will you trust me
to tender and tear you apart?
if i plead of you softly
will your will bend to mine,
will you trust me
with the secrets you keep from yourself?
if simply demand it
without offense or guise,
will you trust me
will you trust me
will you suspend your speeding mind
will you open your closeted heart
will you lay beside me a moment more
will you
-simply-
-be-
with me?

ON HIATUS UNTIL AFTER THE SOLSTICE

it was how i said it, and what i said, and i knew it was wrong with the very first "fine", but it doesn't change what i meant behind it.

we were talking. she was trying so hard to build me up because i get so buried under. and she was trying to show me what i blind myself to in myself.

we were commiserating on what we are lacking, or rather, what is lacking in our relationships with others, and not in a blameful way, but in a realization way.

and she, she is the most to me. she is the strongest person i know. she is the fire in our relationship. and i, i am the moon. the cool and distant moon.

she screams. she lets you know.

i still. i secret.

i am so afraid of upsetting others for fear of losing them that i frustrate them to no end.

more than anything... more than anything, i want to be my own. i just don't know who that is anymore. and, frankly, i'm not sure that i, or anyone else, would like me if i could figure out who that is.

the first to fall

as if this wasn't enough...

the second to fall

and the third and the fourth. oh well. no damage to the house, luckily.
they just kinda landed on it. but that big one didn't snap, it just uprooted.

good times.

good times.

all i've got in me right now...

i was in your sites, now gone
my existance wiped clean
by a new image in your foreground
like two candles before you
one within reach
and one just out of,
the brightness of nearness
will cast me in shadow
and dim my light in your eyes
and i will burn
unnoticed
and alone
at a distance

why can't i write?