valen-fucking-tines day.

next time, when the pan needs to be wasked so i can make eggs at home, i'll do that. because going out to eat this morning out of convenience, was not the smartest mood. valentines morning alone in public, while couple split omlets and coo i love you's... that is not the right way to start a valentines day alone.

this hurts, and there's nothing i can do.

his "friend" (the same word he uses for me) is in town for two weeks from L.A. yes, she has invaded my territory. she crossed the state line. she's here. and she's here for two weeks. and she's here on valentine's day.

which means, he's not with me. he's with her. and i am alone.

he was so sweet the other night. the night he told me she would be coming in. he was careful with me and romantic. he said, "it only takes a minute with you and i remember..." though i asked, he never finished the sentence. i don't know what he remembers. if he's remembering times with me, or feelings he was wishing he wasn't having.

and now here i am, having feelings i wish i wasn't having. feeling lost, yet still in love. feeling forgotten and trying to remain strong. he's with her now, holding her, kissing her, fucking her. and i'm in the goddamn library thinking of him. i'm here, stressing over the money that i don't have, over the food that isn't in the fridge, over the bills that i can't pay, and mostly, over the love that isn't returned.

he says, he hopes that no matter what, we'll stay friends. is he telling me that the romantic part of our friendship is done? he tells me he'll see me over the next two weeks, that there are things he has to do, work and such, that he won't be with her the entire time, and that we can get together then. i just don't want to be sandwhiched in between his times with her.

and, damn it, i want to stop crying. and i can't even cut, because, what if he comes back, after those two weeks. he will see. and he will know what effect he's had on me. and he'll know that i haven't changed that much. and then, he won't want to be with me anyway.

so i'm lost, and i'm alone. and i'm broke. and i don't know what to do. my january rent check bounced... twice. and i don't have the money to pay it. not for a week, not until i get paid again ont he 21st.

i dressed to work out today, but now i just want to go home. to sleep. my body feels like poison is coursing through it. there's a timgling and an uncomfortable warmth. this awful feeling that i've had before, when i've swallowed too hard. yet, this time, i can think of no reason for it.

well, i guess, aside from all the reasons above.

in the movies, he would return to me after this two weeks with her. he would hold me and tell me he thought of me the whole time, that he wants to be with me. that everything is better wtih me. but this isn't the movies. and the last time we spoke he told me that he didn't want me to limit myself. that he wanted me to be open to options and to enjoy others.

well, dear cole, it's hard to enjoy the company of others when your heart is slowly breaking. and not because you don't love me (because, while likely foolish, i do believe you do), but because you won't allow yourself to love me, to show me that love.

i understand your fears. you were married. it didn't last. it ended. and you don't want to feel those things again, you don't want to hurt again. but shutting off, shutting down, shutting out, that isn't the answer. not feeling is never the answer. i promise, i know.