the pictures egan took came back. they are beautiful. i look good in them. i'm suprised and cried and didn't know how to handle it.
haven't talked to pie since birthday. josh and i text. i'm heartbroken a little bit.
working on getting a tattoo tonight. a snake. my birth totem. for transformation, rebirth, healing. kinda looks like a dragon though.
life and love suck.
neither works without the other.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Friday, November 12, 2004
my birthday has been wonderful.
egan took pictures of me. told me that i'm beautiful and wants me to see it too. it was really hard to have my picture taken. but i trust her.
people came out to play with me at the bar.
pie showed up eventually, said he didn't know it was my birthday. he ended up coming over after the party broke up. we drank, got high and fell asleep. next day he did a little grind behind me, but nothing to speak of. it was just nice to not have to sleep alone.
josh however, asked if i wanted him to go home with me. honest to god, i told him, "not tonight, i have to walk my dog really early". what the hell? didn't even make sense then when i was drunk.
egan took pictures of me. told me that i'm beautiful and wants me to see it too. it was really hard to have my picture taken. but i trust her.
people came out to play with me at the bar.
pie showed up eventually, said he didn't know it was my birthday. he ended up coming over after the party broke up. we drank, got high and fell asleep. next day he did a little grind behind me, but nothing to speak of. it was just nice to not have to sleep alone.
josh however, asked if i wanted him to go home with me. honest to god, i told him, "not tonight, i have to walk my dog really early". what the hell? didn't even make sense then when i was drunk.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
wanting passion and love and trust, is clearly too much to want.
so, pie and i spent time together. we had a good time. then suddenly it ended and i don't really know why.
i know there are still some big time hurt feelings for him regarding his ex and that he needs some sort of resolution. i think that he is stuck in the same position i am. neither one of us is able to get through to the other person what the reality is in our heads.
so he's been depressed and somber. his parents are planning an intervention for him. he needs it. but i still hate it for him.
josh is a doll as always, just no attraction there for me.
dad's job is still on the line. don't know where that is going to go, but early retirement is looking like a huge option.
i miss portia, the fun we always had together. she would skip studying with me and go out and play. everyone here just wants to study and since i'm not in school anymore, it makes it tough.
i miss being loved. i'm nearly 29 now. birthday tomorrow. and although my life seems to be going in a direction, there's something missing. it's the intimacy that you share with another person. friend or lover. i miss it and i want it and i can't believe that it's too much to ask.
so, pie and i spent time together. we had a good time. then suddenly it ended and i don't really know why.
i know there are still some big time hurt feelings for him regarding his ex and that he needs some sort of resolution. i think that he is stuck in the same position i am. neither one of us is able to get through to the other person what the reality is in our heads.
so he's been depressed and somber. his parents are planning an intervention for him. he needs it. but i still hate it for him.
josh is a doll as always, just no attraction there for me.
dad's job is still on the line. don't know where that is going to go, but early retirement is looking like a huge option.
i miss portia, the fun we always had together. she would skip studying with me and go out and play. everyone here just wants to study and since i'm not in school anymore, it makes it tough.
i miss being loved. i'm nearly 29 now. birthday tomorrow. and although my life seems to be going in a direction, there's something missing. it's the intimacy that you share with another person. friend or lover. i miss it and i want it and i can't believe that it's too much to ask.