run down

maybe for 600 a month i could bring myself to sleep with him. maybe.

he isn't what i would consider attractive or suave or interesting or magnetic.

he isn't what i would consider sexy.

his taste in silver jewelry leaves something to be desired.

but 600 a month... that's my rent. that's a lot less stress.

* * * * *

the surfer wrote. the original surfer. the one that reminds me of brad pitt.

he wrote and while he hasn't written back again, it felt good to be thought of, remembered, and interesting enough to warrant a moment of someone's time.

maybe it will happen again. maybe it won't.

no hopes are up this time. no hopes are up. no hopes. no hope.

* * * *

my mother wrote. my father and i have exchanged a few tense emails.

wachovia calls him when my student loan payments are a day late. he gets frustrated. he gets angry. he gets disappointed. he writes to remind me.

he's always disappointed. i didn't go into the military. i didn't cut my hair. i didn't become a teacher. i studied psychology. i studied massage and oriental medicine. i saw a shrink. i took meds. i don't work for johnson&johnson. i moved across the country. i'm not 130lbs. i don't eat meat. i don't go to boston for christmas.

he's disappointed.

she tries to mediate that now. tells me she thinks of me. loves me.

and see, i'm crying now, because i'm just not sure it's true. and how can one girl go her life being so unloved?

* * *

the schedule is intensifying. 10p - 6a at the house. then 8 a - 5p OR 10a - 6p at the spa. that's 3-4 hours sleep TOPS, if i can get right to sleep.

i'm exhausted.

i'm lonely.

i'm soul-tired.

i'm dreaming dark dreams, awake and asleep.

* *

i'm thinking of moving to portland. tim will let me stay with him until i'm settled. diane will be there. there will be people.

but is it failure to leave now, after just one year? i gave my notice at the house. or rather, left a letter of resignation on friday morning. it isn't where i left it now, sunday night/monday morning. did she see it? does she know? she isn't here, i haven't faced her yet, and i'm so scared of having to do that. even though i know she'll understand, she'll be another i feel i've let down. more disappointment.

and do i want to depend on tim? do i want to depend on anyone?

*

will someone pay me to sleep? if i set up a web cam in my bedroom, will someone pay to watch me sleep? just for a week?

will someone see me? see past their own projections onto me, and see me? see through the extra 10 pounds that i can't touch because i have no time to work out? see the girl who just wants to be taken care of for a little while, because she's been so long on her own? held. warmed. heard. seen.

please, someone see me. because i'm losing sight of me.