on the eve of a new year and the end of the old, i find myself still at a crossroads. even the cards tell me so. i know that a path has to be chosen. i can choose for some instances and not for others.

the boy thing: he came to stay iwth me christmas night and didn't leave until friday noon. our time was cleanly split between bed, movies and bars. we laughed a lot. he's kind. he's considerate. but he's got walls i can't climb. but what was beginning to happen, was that everytime i thought about how much i care for him, it felt as though someone was sitting on my chest. i decided to choose a path. i decided to commit to the path and trust that it would lead to me where i'm supposed to be. i decided to be truer to myself and more honest with him. so i spoke. and i told him, "i really like you, and i'm afraid it's only gonna get worse. i know that isn't what you wanted or are looking for, so if you don't want to see me anymore, it's okay. i understand. i justed needed to be honest with myself and with you." he, said nothing. no reply. yet over the course of our days togetherhe'd say, out of the blue, "you're awesome" and "you rock". which, if i was just a drinking buddy, i would take as high praise. and while those things are nice to hear, i'm not sure he can say anything else, whether he feels it or not. i think he's a little afriad of me. so i went back to sleep, after my confession. we had sex in the morning and he left. that was friday. it's sunday now. no word. but i'm still consoled by the fact that i was true to myself and honest with him.

the move: the move to portland. it really should happen. i'm not sure why i'm staying here. and i'm really not looking that hard for a job in portland. which i should be. i think i just need a hand. i'm hoping for some cosmic gentling in one direction. something to point me towards a destination. something to spark me to move from where i am. and while it's only been a couple months, if he asked, i'd move in with him. he did offer the boat that he watches. a free place to stay 20 minutes or so out of portland. small, but free for a while, til i find something else.

the family: that's just always gonna be what it is and where it is. and while i know that they just want to see me, asking me for the dates that the spa will be closed EVERY OTHER DAY isn't helping. i don't know. no one knows. they haven't set the date. what more can i tell them?

life: do i want to go back and start over in psychology? credits are old, i'll likely have to start over. do i want to just take the couple classes and finish the massage? get an oregon license and do that? do i want to do something new? study photography? start a different path? i've gotten tired and i just don't know.

but, witht he beginning of a new year and the end of an old, surely things will have new light. i'll see them a new way. and something will glisten.

happy new year to all. may you be blessed with love, happiness and peace in the coming year and beyond.