update for the eager

sometimes my world shrinks. it gets close and confined. it gets difficult to move around in. and those are the times, the times of the shrinking, that i get itchy. itchy to move, or itchy to remove. i either want to venture out, or climb closer in.

i'm gonna try venturing out.

i'm gonna try to move to portland. by the end of the month. tricky. but i'm itchy.

okay, so here's the latest dish on the boy. last week a friend from work catches me first thing in the morning and says to me, "have you talked to him?" what? "have you talked to him? oh honey, i'm so sorry". wait, what? "i heard you aren't dating anymore". her husband is a bartender. and in a small town, there are two types of people who get all the info: bartenders and hair stylists. so when she said that she heard this from her husband, my ears perked up. she hugged me, she apologized again. she said she heard that he just didn't like me that much and was done with me. that it was over. in fact, she heard that he had moved in with someone else! i was taken aback, to say the least. i started dialing E frantically. when i finally got her on the phone, i could barely speak. 1) because this hurt, and 2) because it was coming out of nowhere. i mean, he and i had plans for that very afternoon! he was going to go to the mechanic with me to get my car fixed. we were going to portland that night for dinner and then going to stay on the houseboat. i was at a loss. she promised me more info later. LATER! what?! no, bitch, now! you don't start that kind of conversation and walk away. regardless... so, i asked him to call me. i told him what i had heard and that i was freaking out a little. he was pissed. he said he was being honest with me, that nothing had changed. he was still seeing the other girl in LA, but that was it. and, he hadn't even been to that bar in months, and AND he hadn't talked to anyone in town about me. (okay, so that didn't feel great either, but, whatever).

we still went to portland. we still stayed on the boat. but, the best part was, this actually opened up the opportunity for us to talk about 'us' for the first time. i was always afraid to mention anything, for fear of stepping over boundaries that i know he didn't want crossed. but he opened up. i asked about the other girl. seems we are pretty opposite. (a 'best of both worlds' situation for him, if you ask me.) he stayed with me the next night, and the next. he made us pancakes. nice. he even (and this was in the car on the way to portland) said that, in a way, he loves me. nice to hear. sounded odd, but still nice to hear.

so, he's offered me the use of the houseboat that he babysits as a place to stay until i get a place of my own in portland. and my friend tim has always offered to let me stay with him. so, my itchy situation has two potentials. two options. and that has to be a sign to go now.

so i've sent off 5 or 6 resumes today. looking for something. heard from one that the position was filled, and from another that they would like to set up a time to talk. i'm also considering Timberline Lodge. they have employee housing, are about an hour from portland, and, well, just think of all those cute longhair snowboarders!

so, if you know anyone in portland who has an open position... hook a girl up. i could use a little help. i'm freaking out a little.

i've given notice with my landlord. but not yet with the job. i'm scared. but it feels like time to leap again.

so here i go.

leaping.

again.

and praying i don't splat.