abandonment issues

i think i have abandonment issues...

i would love to be more abandoned. to let go, to give up, to surrender and yield myself completely. i want to allow myself that indulgence. but the clearest problem that i can see with that is that i have no one to abandon myself to. the level of trust and pure love that is required to lay my life and heart into the hands of another, it just doesn't seem to be something that i find.

rather it isn't something that is returned to me.

in the wake of a recent heartbreak, a friend was telling me that the likely reason the person had little contact with me was because of humiliation. my friend believes that this person felt so bad about my treatment, my pain, that it is too hard to have contact with me. too hard to talk to me. and way too hard to see me. and here is how i have been abandoned. i have been left. i have been let go of. and the ugliest part of it is that i can't bring myself to do the same.
and not out of some macabre desire to inflict self-indulgent pain upon myself, but because i care for this person. genuinely. as a person, as a friend and as a love. and i can't simply walk away from those feelings. i can't disregard the importance of such a person. i can't diminish the effect the person had on my heart by simply abandoning.

maybe i didn't make that impression. maybe i was less. maybe this person wasn't affected by me to the extent that i was. and that's okay. i guess. though that pains me some too. i'm a little tired of being easy to walk away from. just because i try to make it easy for you, doesn't mean that i like it if it is. (and i hate myself some for knowing that.)

so, do me this one favor... if you read this... though i doubt you will... if you read this... please just let me know that you haven't abandoned me completely. it will make it that much easier for me to let go