Top 10 good things about getting dumped

1) for once, spontaneous crying is NOT blamed on your PMS.

2) you get an automatic reprieve from your diet for a week.

3) friends and family encourage homocidal thoughts and fantasies.

4) no one holds that extra drink against you.

5) you can hang up the tight pants and pull on the sweats.

6) the $200 trip to the salon is entirely justifiable.

7) casual sex is back on the table.

8) it's a great conversation starter with that cute bartender you've been eyeing.

9) ...

who am i kidding? i can't think of 10 good things about this. i feel like shit. and i guess i just have to get over it.

for a couple weeks we had fun, talking, emailing, instant messages for hours each day. he said things like "i adore you", and "i'm falling in love with you", and "i need you". he promised me that he was real, that THIS was real. he told me all the wonderful things that i wanted to hear. i was feeling them too. i was enthralled, enraptured, and falling so hard.

sure, it had only been 3 months since his fiance had left him, i knew that he wasn't over her and that it would be a while before he could let go of her. but that didn't change the things he said and the promises he made, to keep me safe, to not hurt me, to be with me. and the foolish things i did? i believed him.

so, now i'm lost in trying to figure out if this rejection is because of him/her or becuase of me? i mean, is it really his love for his ex that is holding him back? or, when he saw me, was i not what he expected? was i not the image he had built up in his head? that kiss he gave me when i showed up on his door lead me to believe that things were going to be alright. but 30 minutes after getting to the zoo he's quiet, and comes out with having talked to her for 3 hours earlier that day. for having relived all the things he loves about her. he tells me he might take her back if she asked. how am i supposed to believe him now? how am i not supposed, at least the self-conscious insecure part of me at least, to think that this was just an easy let down?

i cried to my boss/friend. i cried to my best friend. both tell me that it's him. that he's missing out. that he lost here, not me. that i shouldn't be blaming myself, my figure, my face or my words. but the fact is, i cried. and i'm still crying. and not because i got left behind, but because i didn't get a chance to be with this amazing person who i had fallen so hard for. i cried because i wanted this more than anything i've wanted in a while. hell, i was willing to walk away from other lovers for a man who's dick i had yet to even see!

so i brought brownies to work and ate nachos with one of the women. both of us negating our eating disorders for the night. and she, a lesbian, tells me, "it's not you. i mean, you're fine. and you know i could just say you're beautiful inside and out, but i didn't." and this is true, she didn't say that, but i like to think it's because she knows i'm a raging bitch.

so i'm unshowered, still in yesterday's bra, and eating whatever i feel like. fuck running for the week. i think i have a pass. a "get out of life" pass for a week. a week to readjust to not being adored. to not being enchanting/enchanted. a week to hold every bad feeling agaist him. a week to wallow.

and you know, when i think about it, he really is missing out. i would have been really good to him. i wouldn't have left him. i would have continued to adore him and fall harder. i would have made him laugh. i wouldn't have expected him to forget her, i just would have expected to become more forefront than her. i would have given him the time he needed to get over her and still be a realiable lay. so, he did miss out.

and for all of this, i'm not better than him. for the same reason he says he let me go, thinking he would take her back if she asked, i'm in the same place. yes, i'd take him back. without question. without blame. without second thought. he'd come to mean that much to me. he'd become real, and with him, so had i.