i'm going to be queen for a day. being a goddess hasn't really gotten me very far and i'm beginning to think that i picked the wrong status.

as queen, i would decree that someone buy me drinks on saturday night.

i would also decree that either 1) someone go jogging and lose weight for me or 2) the voluptuous figure i have going on attains greater appreciation.

that really isn't too much to ask, is it? i mean, not from a queen.

as goddess i had asked for affection, love, desire and passion. i had asked to be treated with kindness, acceptance and respect. i had asked to be the one to treat another with loving compassion and sweetness. i had asked to treat him with patience and understanding.

well, either the goddess thing isn't working, or his head is fucked worse than i thought.

i'm feeling a little "ranty", so if you want to pass this by feel free. i won't quiz you later or otherwise hold you responsible for this information.

1) there was the brief flicker of another... another internet introduction. (yes, i'm guessing that i should have learned my lesson by now, but...) well, i haven't heard back from him. he seemed kind, interesting, intelligent, grounded, broad in his interests and open of mind. and giving him access to fonts of information on me seems to have backfired. he either thinks i'm insane (which i am), or simply not worthy of his time (which i might be).

2) the 24 year old still wants to be my slave. he elludes to it daily. i'm not sure if this is a good thing to take on. he's sweet, but, honestly, i'm not sure how long he'll hold my attention.

3) i want to spend the weekend in portland or in a hotel. i want out of my mind and my surroundings for just a day or two. i'm beginning to... still. not stagnate per se, just still.

4) i dreamt of him last night. the man who stole my breath and heart. the man i could have swapped shoes with. i've been fairly good about not contacting him. really, i've tried. but i miss him. our conversation. our jokes. our banter. i miss the feeling i got talking to him. and that kiss. i miss that kiss. the one i didn't get enough of. in fact, maybe that is the best way to sum him up, "the one i didn't get enough of".

5) and pie. i dreamt of pie last night as well. fucking double whammy if i ever saw one. but it was good to see his face. i haven't heard from him in months. i've left messages on his myspace. but none that are ever returned. i was his best friend, right? well, maybe he finally got the one he wanted.

6) there is a distinct possibility that i broke a bone or two in my hand when the car bit me. i'm not sure. the swelling has gone down and it isn't too much bruised. but there feel like there are "things" that should be connected to other "things" and i just can't be sure. well, it still works and gives a decent handjob, so i guess i don't have to worry too much.

7) i miss him. i really do. this was the first time that i had allowed myself to fall since the last musician stole my heart. both of them i miss. both of them i still love. both of them i wish could see the beauty that i could have been to them. why is it that no one wants that?

fuck, now i'm depressing myself and i still have 3 hours left of work. i'm off to look at porn.