if you didn't know me... and i sent you an email... an introduction of sorts, chances are you would never write back. trust me, i know this from experience.
i'm sarcastic when i'm insecure and shy. and these don't seem to be endearing qualities to those whom haven't yet had the pleasure.
but when you meet me, you talk to me, when i get that glimpse of first acceptance, then you see the quiet and the fire, the tender and the strong, the contradiction and the balance in my eyes. after that, i'm okay. after that, you'll likely love me.
it's the getting there that most people don't get past.
see, i do a lot of personals sites. mostly because there are relatively few people my age where i am. and even fewer open-minded, blossoming, becoming, and transcending people where i am. and i don't have any problem with making the first connection, with sending a note, risking that void of contact that comes from an unreturned outreach. but i don't write to everyone. i'm not willing to take that risk on 'medicore' (if that's the right spelling. don't judge me!). only 'amazing'.
and then i sit with the void, for a day or two or ten and realize that 1) my humor doesn't translate, 2) that i REALLY wanted to hear from him/her, 3) that if i could have a second chance at that first message, i would take it, in a keystroke.
i see beauty. i see it in eyes, and laughter. in gentle words and fiery passions. i see it quiet. in pain. in healing. the only place i have trouble seeing it, is in me.
so if you get past the first words i send... if you read this... if you have the ability to read me a little... well, we'd be worth the while.
i can rapture you
still you
feed you
and steal you
i can be a luxury--
your decadance
i can be humbling--
your thirst
you're the ticklish wind
that swirls between me
lights and lifts me
cools my tempers
you're the gull
to my ocean
equally resting on and
running from me
you're the sun
generating my gravity
controlling my orbit
burning and leaving me cold
but i am still the moonlight
finding you in darkess
giving you eyes to the unseen
and a hue you're unaccustomed
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
this might get tricky
when distraction left this morning, he said, "maybe next time we can do something outside the bedroom."
well i never!
i told him, "we went to the bar, we watched a movie. honey that's more than i do with long term relationships!" luckily he laughed.
he arrived here last night with $10. that's not gonna go far. especially the way i drink. that's one movie ticket. one entree at a restaurant. 2 meals at taco bell. two drinks and a tip at a bar.
i'm a little concerned he wants more than just my charms now. and sadly, his charms aren't holding my attention very well anymore.
well i never!
i told him, "we went to the bar, we watched a movie. honey that's more than i do with long term relationships!" luckily he laughed.
he arrived here last night with $10. that's not gonna go far. especially the way i drink. that's one movie ticket. one entree at a restaurant. 2 meals at taco bell. two drinks and a tip at a bar.
i'm a little concerned he wants more than just my charms now. and sadly, his charms aren't holding my attention very well anymore.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
pretty eyes wasn't there.
he's moved.
to eugene.
fuck.
so i went out. saw the boys i thought i would see. licked a girl's thighs for fun. met my waxer's husband. promised i would go out again tomorrow night. but the thrill is gone. pretty eyes is gone.
so the distraction will take me out, buy my drinks, and watch me lick a few more thighs.
fuck.. pretty eyes is gone. shy is gone.
and i'm left with drums and a distraction.
he's moved.
to eugene.
fuck.
so i went out. saw the boys i thought i would see. licked a girl's thighs for fun. met my waxer's husband. promised i would go out again tomorrow night. but the thrill is gone. pretty eyes is gone.
so the distraction will take me out, buy my drinks, and watch me lick a few more thighs.
fuck.. pretty eyes is gone. shy is gone.
and i'm left with drums and a distraction.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
waiting for pretty eyes
there was a moment, just a moment, today when i thought that you were here.
i had closed my eyes to sleep and this whisper came across my cheek. it was soft and sweet and strong. a light brush of hair drew over my lips and then, i could breathe you.
had i dared to open my eyes, i never would have seen yours looking back at me. i never would have witnessed the deep pools that gazed, literally gazed, back at me. full of life and passion and music. made more powerful by the depths of words unspoken.
had i dared to reach out, i would never have felt those soft hands cupping my face, slowly sweeping down my neck and back up into my hair. i would never have curled against you, small next to you, fitting perfectly beside you.
had i dared to speak, i would never have heard your murmurings against my ear, speaking of beauty and desire. i would never have heard your breath between my lips. i would never have heard you call me enchanting.
so there i laid, silent, still, with eyes closed tight. daring not to move or breathe. and there i laid until i fell asleep with the dream of you freshly cast over me, anxious to see you again.
i had closed my eyes to sleep and this whisper came across my cheek. it was soft and sweet and strong. a light brush of hair drew over my lips and then, i could breathe you.
had i dared to open my eyes, i never would have seen yours looking back at me. i never would have witnessed the deep pools that gazed, literally gazed, back at me. full of life and passion and music. made more powerful by the depths of words unspoken.
had i dared to reach out, i would never have felt those soft hands cupping my face, slowly sweeping down my neck and back up into my hair. i would never have curled against you, small next to you, fitting perfectly beside you.
had i dared to speak, i would never have heard your murmurings against my ear, speaking of beauty and desire. i would never have heard your breath between my lips. i would never have heard you call me enchanting.
so there i laid, silent, still, with eyes closed tight. daring not to move or breathe. and there i laid until i fell asleep with the dream of you freshly cast over me, anxious to see you again.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
ocean view
i had the most beautiful day...
my seal came back. well, my seal and a friend.
they swam along side me. they watched me. they calmly kept an eye on me as i walked the beach. i went to the rocks, took off all i could and still be considered decent (in some circles), and waded in to my thighs.
it was after a run, so the cold was more bracing than it would have normally been. and the seals bobbed. they surfaced and dove. they watched me. stayed with me.
i sipped the water. i sunk into the sand. i held eyes with those amazing animals. i prayed for strength and beauty and calm and power. i prayed for the attibutes of the ocean. i asked that the seals watch me.
i felt love. i felt enveloped and cared for. i felt the moment again. and i felt peace.
my seal came back. well, my seal and a friend.
they swam along side me. they watched me. they calmly kept an eye on me as i walked the beach. i went to the rocks, took off all i could and still be considered decent (in some circles), and waded in to my thighs.
it was after a run, so the cold was more bracing than it would have normally been. and the seals bobbed. they surfaced and dove. they watched me. stayed with me.
i sipped the water. i sunk into the sand. i held eyes with those amazing animals. i prayed for strength and beauty and calm and power. i prayed for the attibutes of the ocean. i asked that the seals watch me.
i felt love. i felt enveloped and cared for. i felt the moment again. and i felt peace.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
3 a.m.
3 a.m.
sunday morning.
i'm awake, alone
where are you?
are you bound to her
in body or mind?
are you living?
i'm not sure.
not sure i am
not sure i was
not sure i will be
with the sunrise.
3 a.m.
is the ghost time
time i'm haunted
by what's passed.
the eyes i held
the moments i swam in
the voices i strained for
all rush back.
and you are there
and he is
and she is
when she can be
and i'm awake, alone
murdering the moment
with red wine
and a knife.
sunday morning.
i'm awake, alone
where are you?
are you bound to her
in body or mind?
are you living?
i'm not sure.
not sure i am
not sure i was
not sure i will be
with the sunrise.
3 a.m.
is the ghost time
time i'm haunted
by what's passed.
the eyes i held
the moments i swam in
the voices i strained for
all rush back.
and you are there
and he is
and she is
when she can be
and i'm awake, alone
murdering the moment
with red wine
and a knife.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
i need to sleep.
i need to get out of my head.
i need to forget about not being desired.
i need to move past feeling unwanted and left behind.
i need to remember that this is going to pass, as it always has in the past.
i need to sleep.
if another fabulous person came along tomorrow, would i still be feeling sad about this one? would i still be sinking into blackness and cursing light? part of me thinks i can let go, thinks that i'm done. but it's likely the same part that thought the same things about pie. it's likely the same slivers of my brain that fool me into thinking i am fine, when the truth is i'm momentarily numb.
i've let this consume me, this ugliness of being brushed aside, for two weeks. nearly the same amount of time that i knew him. the same amount of time as we giggled and spoke lovingly. this amount of heartbreak seems disproportionate to the actual events. it was a two week flirtation that abruptly ended in a 5 hour meeting! and i'm going on like this was a lifelong love.
so, my own feelings of silliness aside, why? because i, for the first time in over a year, had allowed myself to get comfortable with someone else, to trust them, to rely on their presence in my day. i had let down the defenses that i've worked so hard to build. i risked a tender time in my life, an anniversary of sorts, risked being happy again. i was foolish in having believed that this amazing person could live up to all that i'd forsaken.
i came out here hell bent on not falling in love. i decided to fuck whoever, whenever, and for whatever reason i wanted to. i decided not to invest and not to divulge. i was not going to be vulnerable again, not to another person. if i was going to be vulnerable it would be to the sea and the sky and the goddess. but not... not... to another person.
i failed. and the sad part is, that he didn't even know how vulnerable i was. he didn't know about the rapes. he didn't know about the disappointments. he didn't know about the losses. still doesn't. what he did know was that i had had episodes of life-threatening behaviors. he knew i didn't get along with my family. he knew that pie had broken me. that's all. he didn't realize the depths i had allowed him to reach. so, how could he realize the fathoms i would have to climb to return to surface?
i won't fail again. i'm cutting myself off from that involvement again. from that vulnerability and trust-giving. i won't allow that to happen again. i can't. for my sanity, for my life blood, i can't.
i lay in bed at night and my stomach aches. my nearest thought is that driving a stake through my core would satisfy the ache. my hands pushing something solid and thick through my abdomen to my back. this would dull it, dull me, allow me peace. i wake in the morning and pass by blades. blades that reflect slivers of my face and call me in a siren song. blades i touch to remind myself of their proximity. in the evening i nurse the burn on my thigh. the perfect round circle red and sore. agitating the burn, re-inflicting the pain so as not to have to do it again.
i avoid the mirrors that scream to me and remind me that i haven't run in a week. i avoid the bank statements that show me how in debt i am, the debt that keeps me from going out and finding life, distraction, fun.
the only thing i can't avoid is rushing to the computer screen every couple hours, checking to see if anyone has remembered me. if anyone has thought of me. the answer is usually no. the phone hasn't rung. there's no email. the postman delivers only bills i can't pay.
this feels familiar. this feels all too much like it did. these are the feelings that lost me last time. these are the circumstances that lost me last time. the heartbreak, the loneliness, the debt, the stillness. this is why i just need to sleep.
i need to get out of my head.
i need to forget about not being desired.
i need to move past feeling unwanted and left behind.
i need to remember that this is going to pass, as it always has in the past.
i need to sleep.
if another fabulous person came along tomorrow, would i still be feeling sad about this one? would i still be sinking into blackness and cursing light? part of me thinks i can let go, thinks that i'm done. but it's likely the same part that thought the same things about pie. it's likely the same slivers of my brain that fool me into thinking i am fine, when the truth is i'm momentarily numb.
i've let this consume me, this ugliness of being brushed aside, for two weeks. nearly the same amount of time that i knew him. the same amount of time as we giggled and spoke lovingly. this amount of heartbreak seems disproportionate to the actual events. it was a two week flirtation that abruptly ended in a 5 hour meeting! and i'm going on like this was a lifelong love.
so, my own feelings of silliness aside, why? because i, for the first time in over a year, had allowed myself to get comfortable with someone else, to trust them, to rely on their presence in my day. i had let down the defenses that i've worked so hard to build. i risked a tender time in my life, an anniversary of sorts, risked being happy again. i was foolish in having believed that this amazing person could live up to all that i'd forsaken.
i came out here hell bent on not falling in love. i decided to fuck whoever, whenever, and for whatever reason i wanted to. i decided not to invest and not to divulge. i was not going to be vulnerable again, not to another person. if i was going to be vulnerable it would be to the sea and the sky and the goddess. but not... not... to another person.
i failed. and the sad part is, that he didn't even know how vulnerable i was. he didn't know about the rapes. he didn't know about the disappointments. he didn't know about the losses. still doesn't. what he did know was that i had had episodes of life-threatening behaviors. he knew i didn't get along with my family. he knew that pie had broken me. that's all. he didn't realize the depths i had allowed him to reach. so, how could he realize the fathoms i would have to climb to return to surface?
i won't fail again. i'm cutting myself off from that involvement again. from that vulnerability and trust-giving. i won't allow that to happen again. i can't. for my sanity, for my life blood, i can't.
i lay in bed at night and my stomach aches. my nearest thought is that driving a stake through my core would satisfy the ache. my hands pushing something solid and thick through my abdomen to my back. this would dull it, dull me, allow me peace. i wake in the morning and pass by blades. blades that reflect slivers of my face and call me in a siren song. blades i touch to remind myself of their proximity. in the evening i nurse the burn on my thigh. the perfect round circle red and sore. agitating the burn, re-inflicting the pain so as not to have to do it again.
i avoid the mirrors that scream to me and remind me that i haven't run in a week. i avoid the bank statements that show me how in debt i am, the debt that keeps me from going out and finding life, distraction, fun.
the only thing i can't avoid is rushing to the computer screen every couple hours, checking to see if anyone has remembered me. if anyone has thought of me. the answer is usually no. the phone hasn't rung. there's no email. the postman delivers only bills i can't pay.
this feels familiar. this feels all too much like it did. these are the feelings that lost me last time. these are the circumstances that lost me last time. the heartbreak, the loneliness, the debt, the stillness. this is why i just need to sleep.
Friday, June 16, 2006
abandonment issues
i think i have abandonment issues...
i would love to be more abandoned. to let go, to give up, to surrender and yield myself completely. i want to allow myself that indulgence. but the clearest problem that i can see with that is that i have no one to abandon myself to. the level of trust and pure love that is required to lay my life and heart into the hands of another, it just doesn't seem to be something that i find.
rather it isn't something that is returned to me.
in the wake of a recent heartbreak, a friend was telling me that the likely reason the person had little contact with me was because of humiliation. my friend believes that this person felt so bad about my treatment, my pain, that it is too hard to have contact with me. too hard to talk to me. and way too hard to see me. and here is how i have been abandoned. i have been left. i have been let go of. and the ugliest part of it is that i can't bring myself to do the same.
and not out of some macabre desire to inflict self-indulgent pain upon myself, but because i care for this person. genuinely. as a person, as a friend and as a love. and i can't simply walk away from those feelings. i can't disregard the importance of such a person. i can't diminish the effect the person had on my heart by simply abandoning.
maybe i didn't make that impression. maybe i was less. maybe this person wasn't affected by me to the extent that i was. and that's okay. i guess. though that pains me some too. i'm a little tired of being easy to walk away from. just because i try to make it easy for you, doesn't mean that i like it if it is. (and i hate myself some for knowing that.)
so, do me this one favor... if you read this... though i doubt you will... if you read this... please just let me know that you haven't abandoned me completely. it will make it that much easier for me to let go
i would love to be more abandoned. to let go, to give up, to surrender and yield myself completely. i want to allow myself that indulgence. but the clearest problem that i can see with that is that i have no one to abandon myself to. the level of trust and pure love that is required to lay my life and heart into the hands of another, it just doesn't seem to be something that i find.
rather it isn't something that is returned to me.
in the wake of a recent heartbreak, a friend was telling me that the likely reason the person had little contact with me was because of humiliation. my friend believes that this person felt so bad about my treatment, my pain, that it is too hard to have contact with me. too hard to talk to me. and way too hard to see me. and here is how i have been abandoned. i have been left. i have been let go of. and the ugliest part of it is that i can't bring myself to do the same.
and not out of some macabre desire to inflict self-indulgent pain upon myself, but because i care for this person. genuinely. as a person, as a friend and as a love. and i can't simply walk away from those feelings. i can't disregard the importance of such a person. i can't diminish the effect the person had on my heart by simply abandoning.
maybe i didn't make that impression. maybe i was less. maybe this person wasn't affected by me to the extent that i was. and that's okay. i guess. though that pains me some too. i'm a little tired of being easy to walk away from. just because i try to make it easy for you, doesn't mean that i like it if it is. (and i hate myself some for knowing that.)
so, do me this one favor... if you read this... though i doubt you will... if you read this... please just let me know that you haven't abandoned me completely. it will make it that much easier for me to let go
Thursday, June 15, 2006
i'm going to be queen for a day. being a goddess hasn't really gotten me very far and i'm beginning to think that i picked the wrong status.
as queen, i would decree that someone buy me drinks on saturday night.
i would also decree that either 1) someone go jogging and lose weight for me or 2) the voluptuous figure i have going on attains greater appreciation.
that really isn't too much to ask, is it? i mean, not from a queen.
as goddess i had asked for affection, love, desire and passion. i had asked to be treated with kindness, acceptance and respect. i had asked to be the one to treat another with loving compassion and sweetness. i had asked to treat him with patience and understanding.
well, either the goddess thing isn't working, or his head is fucked worse than i thought.
i'm feeling a little "ranty", so if you want to pass this by feel free. i won't quiz you later or otherwise hold you responsible for this information.
1) there was the brief flicker of another... another internet introduction. (yes, i'm guessing that i should have learned my lesson by now, but...) well, i haven't heard back from him. he seemed kind, interesting, intelligent, grounded, broad in his interests and open of mind. and giving him access to fonts of information on me seems to have backfired. he either thinks i'm insane (which i am), or simply not worthy of his time (which i might be).
2) the 24 year old still wants to be my slave. he elludes to it daily. i'm not sure if this is a good thing to take on. he's sweet, but, honestly, i'm not sure how long he'll hold my attention.
3) i want to spend the weekend in portland or in a hotel. i want out of my mind and my surroundings for just a day or two. i'm beginning to... still. not stagnate per se, just still.
4) i dreamt of him last night. the man who stole my breath and heart. the man i could have swapped shoes with. i've been fairly good about not contacting him. really, i've tried. but i miss him. our conversation. our jokes. our banter. i miss the feeling i got talking to him. and that kiss. i miss that kiss. the one i didn't get enough of. in fact, maybe that is the best way to sum him up, "the one i didn't get enough of".
5) and pie. i dreamt of pie last night as well. fucking double whammy if i ever saw one. but it was good to see his face. i haven't heard from him in months. i've left messages on his myspace. but none that are ever returned. i was his best friend, right? well, maybe he finally got the one he wanted.
6) there is a distinct possibility that i broke a bone or two in my hand when the car bit me. i'm not sure. the swelling has gone down and it isn't too much bruised. but there feel like there are "things" that should be connected to other "things" and i just can't be sure. well, it still works and gives a decent handjob, so i guess i don't have to worry too much.
7) i miss him. i really do. this was the first time that i had allowed myself to fall since the last musician stole my heart. both of them i miss. both of them i still love. both of them i wish could see the beauty that i could have been to them. why is it that no one wants that?
fuck, now i'm depressing myself and i still have 3 hours left of work. i'm off to look at porn.
as queen, i would decree that someone buy me drinks on saturday night.
i would also decree that either 1) someone go jogging and lose weight for me or 2) the voluptuous figure i have going on attains greater appreciation.
that really isn't too much to ask, is it? i mean, not from a queen.
as goddess i had asked for affection, love, desire and passion. i had asked to be treated with kindness, acceptance and respect. i had asked to be the one to treat another with loving compassion and sweetness. i had asked to treat him with patience and understanding.
well, either the goddess thing isn't working, or his head is fucked worse than i thought.
i'm feeling a little "ranty", so if you want to pass this by feel free. i won't quiz you later or otherwise hold you responsible for this information.
1) there was the brief flicker of another... another internet introduction. (yes, i'm guessing that i should have learned my lesson by now, but...) well, i haven't heard back from him. he seemed kind, interesting, intelligent, grounded, broad in his interests and open of mind. and giving him access to fonts of information on me seems to have backfired. he either thinks i'm insane (which i am), or simply not worthy of his time (which i might be).
2) the 24 year old still wants to be my slave. he elludes to it daily. i'm not sure if this is a good thing to take on. he's sweet, but, honestly, i'm not sure how long he'll hold my attention.
3) i want to spend the weekend in portland or in a hotel. i want out of my mind and my surroundings for just a day or two. i'm beginning to... still. not stagnate per se, just still.
4) i dreamt of him last night. the man who stole my breath and heart. the man i could have swapped shoes with. i've been fairly good about not contacting him. really, i've tried. but i miss him. our conversation. our jokes. our banter. i miss the feeling i got talking to him. and that kiss. i miss that kiss. the one i didn't get enough of. in fact, maybe that is the best way to sum him up, "the one i didn't get enough of".
5) and pie. i dreamt of pie last night as well. fucking double whammy if i ever saw one. but it was good to see his face. i haven't heard from him in months. i've left messages on his myspace. but none that are ever returned. i was his best friend, right? well, maybe he finally got the one he wanted.
6) there is a distinct possibility that i broke a bone or two in my hand when the car bit me. i'm not sure. the swelling has gone down and it isn't too much bruised. but there feel like there are "things" that should be connected to other "things" and i just can't be sure. well, it still works and gives a decent handjob, so i guess i don't have to worry too much.
7) i miss him. i really do. this was the first time that i had allowed myself to fall since the last musician stole my heart. both of them i miss. both of them i still love. both of them i wish could see the beauty that i could have been to them. why is it that no one wants that?
fuck, now i'm depressing myself and i still have 3 hours left of work. i'm off to look at porn.
promised photos
i loved the warm colors in the bar that night. i tried to get the reflections off the glasses and the movement of the people, but i think i shook a little.
the moon reflecting off the lake was so pretty. i know this isn't the sharpest photo, but i kinda like it anyway. the color and the blend. a little mysterious....
the sky was kinda turning purple in the late afternoon. i'm not really sure what the metal thing is in the foreground, but it always catches my eye. what i had really wanted to do was try to get a photo THRU the hole, but the angles wouldn't let me.
anyway, E, let me know what you think. i love getting your input and i'm having so much fun with my little camera!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
photos
E -
i took some photos, a couple i really would love to show you, but the fucking rite-aid worker didn't do the cd. so, i'll scan them at work later tonight and post them by morning.
in the meantime...
he's asked to be her slave. he's asked to be taught by her, dominated by her, controlled and taken care of by her.
her methods are usually more subtle than paddling and humiliation. she works quietly from inside their minds.
he wants her to work upon his skin, redden his flanks and face. he wants to learn control and he wants to serve.
she wants to maintain distance from this distraction. she wants only what she wants and when, leaving time for others to distract her and the silence that she craves.
he wants to be dominated by her, be important to her. he wants the distinction of being the object of her attentions.
she won't give him attachment, love, emotional investment.
he won't be fully happy until her affections are shown by collar and lead.
the strikes he so enjoys inflicting would cease. he would not be allowed to raise an eye, let alone a hand to her. he would have to relearn a vocabulary, losing words like "slut" and "cunt". he would be left in discomfort, speaking only when spoken to. his mouth would drip "mistress" and "i offer you".
she would teach him to display and present. she would teach him to worship and attend. she would teach him the positions that only those in captivity know. she would call him slave, dog, worm, table and pet. she would confine him and reject him, punish him and reward him. she would make his muscles would burn in discomfort rather than pleasure.
would he be served by this humiliation?
should she take him on?
would this cross the line of unimportance she had drawn?
i took some photos, a couple i really would love to show you, but the fucking rite-aid worker didn't do the cd. so, i'll scan them at work later tonight and post them by morning.
in the meantime...
he's asked to be her slave. he's asked to be taught by her, dominated by her, controlled and taken care of by her.
her methods are usually more subtle than paddling and humiliation. she works quietly from inside their minds.
he wants her to work upon his skin, redden his flanks and face. he wants to learn control and he wants to serve.
she wants to maintain distance from this distraction. she wants only what she wants and when, leaving time for others to distract her and the silence that she craves.
he wants to be dominated by her, be important to her. he wants the distinction of being the object of her attentions.
she won't give him attachment, love, emotional investment.
he won't be fully happy until her affections are shown by collar and lead.
the strikes he so enjoys inflicting would cease. he would not be allowed to raise an eye, let alone a hand to her. he would have to relearn a vocabulary, losing words like "slut" and "cunt". he would be left in discomfort, speaking only when spoken to. his mouth would drip "mistress" and "i offer you".
she would teach him to display and present. she would teach him to worship and attend. she would teach him the positions that only those in captivity know. she would call him slave, dog, worm, table and pet. she would confine him and reject him, punish him and reward him. she would make his muscles would burn in discomfort rather than pleasure.
would he be served by this humiliation?
should she take him on?
would this cross the line of unimportance she had drawn?
moonlight mermaid
i've suffered your bruises silently, never letting you know the depth of your inflictions. whether this aids me, i'm not yet sure. but it certainly makes life easier for you. and for now, that is the salve that keeps me well enough to move.
so, maybe i'm a little strange. a little odd. a little... quirky or eccentric. but according to a friend, i'm the moonlight, and who would question the moonlight. you know it wavers in it's luminescence. you know it shrinks from sight and returns with a vengence that lights the night fully.
and i light nights for them. the ones that open their arms to me and become enveloped in this energy are privy to charms others are blind to.
and a mermaid too. my scales shimmer and navigate me through rough waters. i am the siren that leads them to a little death. so i am the moonlight mermaid. i smell of the sea and glow celestial. i have the power to change tides and swallow men. i am timeless. i am eternal. mythical and fact.
so, maybe i'm a little strange. a little odd. a little... quirky or eccentric. but according to a friend, i'm the moonlight, and who would question the moonlight. you know it wavers in it's luminescence. you know it shrinks from sight and returns with a vengence that lights the night fully.
and i light nights for them. the ones that open their arms to me and become enveloped in this energy are privy to charms others are blind to.
and a mermaid too. my scales shimmer and navigate me through rough waters. i am the siren that leads them to a little death. so i am the moonlight mermaid. i smell of the sea and glow celestial. i have the power to change tides and swallow men. i am timeless. i am eternal. mythical and fact.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
in a moment of weakness
i opened my eyes
i saw love before me and
i was blind
and now i don't want to
see you again
because i'm afriad this wound
will never mend
my heart slipped from my sleeve
crashed to the ground
you bystepped it smoothly and
i fell down
is this what you wanted?
is this what you saw?
did you think i could walk away
after this fall?
i opened my eyes
i saw love before me and
i was blind
and now i don't want to
see you again
because i'm afriad this wound
will never mend
my heart slipped from my sleeve
crashed to the ground
you bystepped it smoothly and
i fell down
is this what you wanted?
is this what you saw?
did you think i could walk away
after this fall?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
i did a foolish thing.
i opened my heart when i shouldn't have and now i'm stuck trying to find the right way to close it. the right diversion to occupy a mind that keeps straying to places it shouldn't. the right hands to distract me from those i want around me.
diversions are easy enough to find. i guess i've never really had that problem too much. but knowing that i am living a life of diversions and distractions... that's the part i have a problem with.
there's usually at least one quiet moment that passes during the day when the sudden shock of lifelessness hits me, jars me and thrust me out of the mindlessness i've cultivated. it lifts me out of time and space and it's all i can to do brace myself against empty black pit i'm threatened with.
so i cling to hours of sleep, refusing to open my eyes to light and life.
so i cling to another body, refusing to stay too long in my own.
and i wonder now, if this night passes, with sleep out of reach and alone in my bed... i wonder, if this night passes and finds the blood still in my viens...
a friend told me, "I wish you could see inside yourself. see the strength and beauty. See this sort of churning vortex of colors and glows... I wish you were loud enough to tell the people that hurt you that they did. I wish you were louder for yourself. I wish you would scream for yourself now and then."
my screams tickle out of me in fine liquid lines. my screams are angry red and pulsing. but my screams don't matter when no one cares to hear me. when no one pauses long enough to see what i want to hide from them and want desperately for them to see.
and then i'm alone in that empty night. and then i'm crying soundlessly. and then i'm breaking into smaller pieces that broke so long ago.
i wonder if you heard me.
i wonder if you saw me.
i wonder if it means anything.
i opened my heart when i shouldn't have and now i'm stuck trying to find the right way to close it. the right diversion to occupy a mind that keeps straying to places it shouldn't. the right hands to distract me from those i want around me.
diversions are easy enough to find. i guess i've never really had that problem too much. but knowing that i am living a life of diversions and distractions... that's the part i have a problem with.
there's usually at least one quiet moment that passes during the day when the sudden shock of lifelessness hits me, jars me and thrust me out of the mindlessness i've cultivated. it lifts me out of time and space and it's all i can to do brace myself against empty black pit i'm threatened with.
so i cling to hours of sleep, refusing to open my eyes to light and life.
so i cling to another body, refusing to stay too long in my own.
and i wonder now, if this night passes, with sleep out of reach and alone in my bed... i wonder, if this night passes and finds the blood still in my viens...
a friend told me, "I wish you could see inside yourself. see the strength and beauty. See this sort of churning vortex of colors and glows... I wish you were loud enough to tell the people that hurt you that they did. I wish you were louder for yourself. I wish you would scream for yourself now and then."
my screams tickle out of me in fine liquid lines. my screams are angry red and pulsing. but my screams don't matter when no one cares to hear me. when no one pauses long enough to see what i want to hide from them and want desperately for them to see.
and then i'm alone in that empty night. and then i'm crying soundlessly. and then i'm breaking into smaller pieces that broke so long ago.
i wonder if you heard me.
i wonder if you saw me.
i wonder if it means anything.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
getting over him
i couldn't be bothered to shower or even change out of the t-shirt that i'd worn all day and then to bed. i scraped a wet toothbrush thru my mouth and found the nearest pair of jeans and shoes. i needed to see life after an emotionally hellish week. the first bar i arrived at called "last call" at just 9:30pm and one beer. so, i found myself at another bar, nothing special and nothing exciting.
two tequilla shots later i managed to strike up a conversation with the only long-hair in the place, also, seemed to be the only person under 40. we talked about there being nothing to do. i drank. we introduced ourselves, and as normal for me, i promptly forget his name. he talked about cars. i drank more. we developed nicknames for other patrons (half-ass, meatloaf, and the like). some drunk woman waiting for her boyfriend called me beautiful, flirted a little and gave me flowers. i drank again.
4 tequilla shots and a corona into the night his hands are on my thigh and i don't particularly care. he's nice enough. i don't get a creepy vibe. and let's face it, i need a pick-me-up after getting dumped/rejected. we devise a plan that involves me following him to his house, dropping off his car and then heading back to my place (which is a pit).
his car is dropped off, he's in my car and his hands are roaming. feeling less inhibited than usual, i stop the car, thinking i'd just get a quick kiss and keep going. suddenly my jeans are somewhere under the gas pedal and brake and the boys tongue is hard at work between my thighs. i figure it could be a promising evening and 15 minutes later resume the drive to my house.
for the next 12 hours this lovely young man, is my dedicated sexual servant. he ties me down, makes me beg, works me into a mass of quivering limbs and a couple bruises. he likes to have his hair pulled. he likes rough bites. and he seemingly loves playing the role of my tormentor. and his 24 year old body keeps stride with mine, asking later, "are you always this insatiable?"i laugh and call his attention to the fact that every window in my apartment is fogged.
in a moment of weakness, we run across the street for breakfast food. he offers to pay for me, which i think is just fantastic even though i'm only having juice. he whips out his food-stamp debit card, claims the purchase and we're soon back in my bed.
near the end of the 15th hour of our trist, the boy, a dedicated oralist...dedicated..., finishes with me and we decide on a shower before i have to return him the hour home. there are red teeth marks on his shoulder and chest. i notice the first of what are doubtless my own many bruises. my neck is tender from his rough play, sitting is a challenge from the "punishment" spankings he gifted me, and i'm positive i've lost more hair than necessary. all in all, i'm a happy girl and content to deliver him home.
we part with a simple kiss, i give him my email address which he states he'll write to me at with this info and lets me know that if i want to kidnap him on my other days off this week, well, he's okay with that. i reply a noncommittal, "i might have to do that". and say goodbye.
and as i drive the hour back to my own part of town, i'm both thankful and anxious. see, i'd forgotten his name the moment he spoke it after we just met some 15 hours ago. and while i'm thanking the goddess that i never had occasion to have to call him by name, i'm scared to death of how to figure out what it is. i mean, not an inch of skin went without touch and taste between us, and i don't know what to call him.
two tequilla shots later i managed to strike up a conversation with the only long-hair in the place, also, seemed to be the only person under 40. we talked about there being nothing to do. i drank. we introduced ourselves, and as normal for me, i promptly forget his name. he talked about cars. i drank more. we developed nicknames for other patrons (half-ass, meatloaf, and the like). some drunk woman waiting for her boyfriend called me beautiful, flirted a little and gave me flowers. i drank again.
4 tequilla shots and a corona into the night his hands are on my thigh and i don't particularly care. he's nice enough. i don't get a creepy vibe. and let's face it, i need a pick-me-up after getting dumped/rejected. we devise a plan that involves me following him to his house, dropping off his car and then heading back to my place (which is a pit).
his car is dropped off, he's in my car and his hands are roaming. feeling less inhibited than usual, i stop the car, thinking i'd just get a quick kiss and keep going. suddenly my jeans are somewhere under the gas pedal and brake and the boys tongue is hard at work between my thighs. i figure it could be a promising evening and 15 minutes later resume the drive to my house.
for the next 12 hours this lovely young man, is my dedicated sexual servant. he ties me down, makes me beg, works me into a mass of quivering limbs and a couple bruises. he likes to have his hair pulled. he likes rough bites. and he seemingly loves playing the role of my tormentor. and his 24 year old body keeps stride with mine, asking later, "are you always this insatiable?"i laugh and call his attention to the fact that every window in my apartment is fogged.
in a moment of weakness, we run across the street for breakfast food. he offers to pay for me, which i think is just fantastic even though i'm only having juice. he whips out his food-stamp debit card, claims the purchase and we're soon back in my bed.
near the end of the 15th hour of our trist, the boy, a dedicated oralist...dedicated..., finishes with me and we decide on a shower before i have to return him the hour home. there are red teeth marks on his shoulder and chest. i notice the first of what are doubtless my own many bruises. my neck is tender from his rough play, sitting is a challenge from the "punishment" spankings he gifted me, and i'm positive i've lost more hair than necessary. all in all, i'm a happy girl and content to deliver him home.
we part with a simple kiss, i give him my email address which he states he'll write to me at with this info and lets me know that if i want to kidnap him on my other days off this week, well, he's okay with that. i reply a noncommittal, "i might have to do that". and say goodbye.
and as i drive the hour back to my own part of town, i'm both thankful and anxious. see, i'd forgotten his name the moment he spoke it after we just met some 15 hours ago. and while i'm thanking the goddess that i never had occasion to have to call him by name, i'm scared to death of how to figure out what it is. i mean, not an inch of skin went without touch and taste between us, and i don't know what to call him.
---------------------------
all is safe. he emailed. his name is on the email. i'm in the clear and he'll never know.
Monday, June 05, 2006
captions
when you kissed me, i couldn't remember a single concern that i had.
when you watched me drive away, they all flooded back.
a friend asked me today what i thought would happen if i knew, really knew, my importance to others. would it make me cocky? would i become arrogant? i couldn't answer because i don't know that i would every really believe it.
minutes later someone came to me with an apology that wasn't really hers to give. someone had found a way to hurt me with the slanting of this woman's words and she felt responsible. i let her know that there were no apologies needed. that i knew her intentions were good. and that i understood that the malice came from another source, a source that was seeking importance and regocnition. but in there, in that conversation, the woman said, "i trust you. we all do." and that made all the difference.
when you watched me drive away, they all flooded back.
-------------------------------------
a friend asked me today what i thought would happen if i knew, really knew, my importance to others. would it make me cocky? would i become arrogant? i couldn't answer because i don't know that i would every really believe it.
------------------------------------
minutes later someone came to me with an apology that wasn't really hers to give. someone had found a way to hurt me with the slanting of this woman's words and she felt responsible. i let her know that there were no apologies needed. that i knew her intentions were good. and that i understood that the malice came from another source, a source that was seeking importance and regocnition. but in there, in that conversation, the woman said, "i trust you. we all do." and that made all the difference.
--------------------------------------
if i could hold your hand one more time, look in your eyes, smooth the hair back from your cheek... if i could incite in you the excitement that swelled in me... if i could just live another moment in the ignorance before you saddened and silenced... if i could, i might be happy now. i wouldn't be fighting tears. i wouldn't be trying so hard to forget you. i wouldn't be plunging deep into lovers that last only a moment.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Bend
he comes when i call him. and he knows the rules.
those are the rules and he follows them eagerly, attentively, like a novice monk bent before god.
and if he forgets himself, if he needs reminding, he gets the heel of my boot in his ribs.
i am in control. that's why he comes here. he needs to be dominated. and he knows i give him what he needs.
a firm hand on his shoulder signals him to his knees. he receives his instructions with reverence and solemnity. his hands go where i tell him. his mouth touches only what is offered to him.
he spends hours bending to my body and will. and he's denied nothing. he's needs are something i know fully by looking in his eyes.
when the last of my whims is sated he's allowed to take his leave. he kneels again, kisses the hand that caressed him and the heel that prodded him and silently disappears in the night.
and i to my bed. where i smile and fall lusciously to sleep, dreaming of a strong hand that will one day make me bend.
he doesn't speak unless i tell him to.
he doesn't stay the night.
he does exactly what i say, and i take care of him.
he doesn't stay the night.
he does exactly what i say, and i take care of him.
those are the rules and he follows them eagerly, attentively, like a novice monk bent before god.
and if he forgets himself, if he needs reminding, he gets the heel of my boot in his ribs.
i am in control. that's why he comes here. he needs to be dominated. and he knows i give him what he needs.
a firm hand on his shoulder signals him to his knees. he receives his instructions with reverence and solemnity. his hands go where i tell him. his mouth touches only what is offered to him.
he spends hours bending to my body and will. and he's denied nothing. he's needs are something i know fully by looking in his eyes.
when the last of my whims is sated he's allowed to take his leave. he kneels again, kisses the hand that caressed him and the heel that prodded him and silently disappears in the night.
and i to my bed. where i smile and fall lusciously to sleep, dreaming of a strong hand that will one day make me bend.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
i can capture moonlight. it isn't so much capture as it is entice. i can walk through bleakness and find infinitesimal spots of reflected radiance. i call to it. i coax it. and slowly it becomes. becomes larger, brighter, more of what it already is. my eyes adjust not to the blackness that surrounds, but to those little glimmers. i focus and they grow to blinding.
i can do this with people too. though with them i am the moonlight. i am their reflected radiance. with their presence we can block out the darkness, seek out the slivers of light in each other and glow.
sometimes, though, they don't see me there. and i get to affect my moonlight magic in secret. i can call out the flickering brilliances within them, pull them to the surface and guide them through the night. sometimes they sleep through it, and they believe it something else that shone on them. but i know better.
sometimes it's lonely being moonlight. people forget that i'm there. their eyes don't tune well to my light most times and they miss out on what i bring them. or they see only what i'm showing them, and forget the luminescese itself. but still, i ease them through the darkest nights, soothing them, calming them, providing just enough to get them through to daylight.
and so it is i've done again. i've snuck in through closed doors to places shut off and distant. i've reached into the emptiness and found a spark of light to return to surface. this time though, my moonlight reflected her gleaming brightness that he had tried to forget. and true to form as moonlight, there is no credit here. that sun has again blinded him and it's only her glory that he sees.
so i retreat, as moonlight does, and return to the secret places that others fear to look. and i'm smiling as i'm going, knowing that while daylight is bright, it doesn't last forever, and i'll return to calm and coo, to soothe the souls, dry the eyes, and bring solace to the darkened heart.
i can do this with people too. though with them i am the moonlight. i am their reflected radiance. with their presence we can block out the darkness, seek out the slivers of light in each other and glow.
sometimes, though, they don't see me there. and i get to affect my moonlight magic in secret. i can call out the flickering brilliances within them, pull them to the surface and guide them through the night. sometimes they sleep through it, and they believe it something else that shone on them. but i know better.
sometimes it's lonely being moonlight. people forget that i'm there. their eyes don't tune well to my light most times and they miss out on what i bring them. or they see only what i'm showing them, and forget the luminescese itself. but still, i ease them through the darkest nights, soothing them, calming them, providing just enough to get them through to daylight.
and so it is i've done again. i've snuck in through closed doors to places shut off and distant. i've reached into the emptiness and found a spark of light to return to surface. this time though, my moonlight reflected her gleaming brightness that he had tried to forget. and true to form as moonlight, there is no credit here. that sun has again blinded him and it's only her glory that he sees.
so i retreat, as moonlight does, and return to the secret places that others fear to look. and i'm smiling as i'm going, knowing that while daylight is bright, it doesn't last forever, and i'll return to calm and coo, to soothe the souls, dry the eyes, and bring solace to the darkened heart.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Top 10 good things about getting dumped
1) for once, spontaneous crying is NOT blamed on your PMS.
2) you get an automatic reprieve from your diet for a week.
3) friends and family encourage homocidal thoughts and fantasies.
4) no one holds that extra drink against you.
5) you can hang up the tight pants and pull on the sweats.
6) the $200 trip to the salon is entirely justifiable.
7) casual sex is back on the table.
8) it's a great conversation starter with that cute bartender you've been eyeing.
9) ...
who am i kidding? i can't think of 10 good things about this. i feel like shit. and i guess i just have to get over it.
for a couple weeks we had fun, talking, emailing, instant messages for hours each day. he said things like "i adore you", and "i'm falling in love with you", and "i need you". he promised me that he was real, that THIS was real. he told me all the wonderful things that i wanted to hear. i was feeling them too. i was enthralled, enraptured, and falling so hard.
sure, it had only been 3 months since his fiance had left him, i knew that he wasn't over her and that it would be a while before he could let go of her. but that didn't change the things he said and the promises he made, to keep me safe, to not hurt me, to be with me. and the foolish things i did? i believed him.
so, now i'm lost in trying to figure out if this rejection is because of him/her or becuase of me? i mean, is it really his love for his ex that is holding him back? or, when he saw me, was i not what he expected? was i not the image he had built up in his head? that kiss he gave me when i showed up on his door lead me to believe that things were going to be alright. but 30 minutes after getting to the zoo he's quiet, and comes out with having talked to her for 3 hours earlier that day. for having relived all the things he loves about her. he tells me he might take her back if she asked. how am i supposed to believe him now? how am i not supposed, at least the self-conscious insecure part of me at least, to think that this was just an easy let down?
i cried to my boss/friend. i cried to my best friend. both tell me that it's him. that he's missing out. that he lost here, not me. that i shouldn't be blaming myself, my figure, my face or my words. but the fact is, i cried. and i'm still crying. and not because i got left behind, but because i didn't get a chance to be with this amazing person who i had fallen so hard for. i cried because i wanted this more than anything i've wanted in a while. hell, i was willing to walk away from other lovers for a man who's dick i had yet to even see!
so i brought brownies to work and ate nachos with one of the women. both of us negating our eating disorders for the night. and she, a lesbian, tells me, "it's not you. i mean, you're fine. and you know i could just say you're beautiful inside and out, but i didn't." and this is true, she didn't say that, but i like to think it's because she knows i'm a raging bitch.
so i'm unshowered, still in yesterday's bra, and eating whatever i feel like. fuck running for the week. i think i have a pass. a "get out of life" pass for a week. a week to readjust to not being adored. to not being enchanting/enchanted. a week to hold every bad feeling agaist him. a week to wallow.
and you know, when i think about it, he really is missing out. i would have been really good to him. i wouldn't have left him. i would have continued to adore him and fall harder. i would have made him laugh. i wouldn't have expected him to forget her, i just would have expected to become more forefront than her. i would have given him the time he needed to get over her and still be a realiable lay. so, he did miss out.
and for all of this, i'm not better than him. for the same reason he says he let me go, thinking he would take her back if she asked, i'm in the same place. yes, i'd take him back. without question. without blame. without second thought. he'd come to mean that much to me. he'd become real, and with him, so had i.
2) you get an automatic reprieve from your diet for a week.
3) friends and family encourage homocidal thoughts and fantasies.
4) no one holds that extra drink against you.
5) you can hang up the tight pants and pull on the sweats.
6) the $200 trip to the salon is entirely justifiable.
7) casual sex is back on the table.
8) it's a great conversation starter with that cute bartender you've been eyeing.
9) ...
who am i kidding? i can't think of 10 good things about this. i feel like shit. and i guess i just have to get over it.
for a couple weeks we had fun, talking, emailing, instant messages for hours each day. he said things like "i adore you", and "i'm falling in love with you", and "i need you". he promised me that he was real, that THIS was real. he told me all the wonderful things that i wanted to hear. i was feeling them too. i was enthralled, enraptured, and falling so hard.
sure, it had only been 3 months since his fiance had left him, i knew that he wasn't over her and that it would be a while before he could let go of her. but that didn't change the things he said and the promises he made, to keep me safe, to not hurt me, to be with me. and the foolish things i did? i believed him.
so, now i'm lost in trying to figure out if this rejection is because of him/her or becuase of me? i mean, is it really his love for his ex that is holding him back? or, when he saw me, was i not what he expected? was i not the image he had built up in his head? that kiss he gave me when i showed up on his door lead me to believe that things were going to be alright. but 30 minutes after getting to the zoo he's quiet, and comes out with having talked to her for 3 hours earlier that day. for having relived all the things he loves about her. he tells me he might take her back if she asked. how am i supposed to believe him now? how am i not supposed, at least the self-conscious insecure part of me at least, to think that this was just an easy let down?
i cried to my boss/friend. i cried to my best friend. both tell me that it's him. that he's missing out. that he lost here, not me. that i shouldn't be blaming myself, my figure, my face or my words. but the fact is, i cried. and i'm still crying. and not because i got left behind, but because i didn't get a chance to be with this amazing person who i had fallen so hard for. i cried because i wanted this more than anything i've wanted in a while. hell, i was willing to walk away from other lovers for a man who's dick i had yet to even see!
so i brought brownies to work and ate nachos with one of the women. both of us negating our eating disorders for the night. and she, a lesbian, tells me, "it's not you. i mean, you're fine. and you know i could just say you're beautiful inside and out, but i didn't." and this is true, she didn't say that, but i like to think it's because she knows i'm a raging bitch.
so i'm unshowered, still in yesterday's bra, and eating whatever i feel like. fuck running for the week. i think i have a pass. a "get out of life" pass for a week. a week to readjust to not being adored. to not being enchanting/enchanted. a week to hold every bad feeling agaist him. a week to wallow.
and you know, when i think about it, he really is missing out. i would have been really good to him. i wouldn't have left him. i would have continued to adore him and fall harder. i would have made him laugh. i wouldn't have expected him to forget her, i just would have expected to become more forefront than her. i would have given him the time he needed to get over her and still be a realiable lay. so, he did miss out.
and for all of this, i'm not better than him. for the same reason he says he let me go, thinking he would take her back if she asked, i'm in the same place. yes, i'd take him back. without question. without blame. without second thought. he'd come to mean that much to me. he'd become real, and with him, so had i.