i need to sleep.

i need to get out of my head.

i need to forget about not being desired.

i need to move past feeling unwanted and left behind.

i need to remember that this is going to pass, as it always has in the past.

i need to sleep.

if another fabulous person came along tomorrow, would i still be feeling sad about this one? would i still be sinking into blackness and cursing light? part of me thinks i can let go, thinks that i'm done. but it's likely the same part that thought the same things about pie. it's likely the same slivers of my brain that fool me into thinking i am fine, when the truth is i'm momentarily numb.

i've let this consume me, this ugliness of being brushed aside, for two weeks. nearly the same amount of time that i knew him. the same amount of time as we giggled and spoke lovingly. this amount of heartbreak seems disproportionate to the actual events. it was a two week flirtation that abruptly ended in a 5 hour meeting! and i'm going on like this was a lifelong love.

so, my own feelings of silliness aside, why? because i, for the first time in over a year, had allowed myself to get comfortable with someone else, to trust them, to rely on their presence in my day. i had let down the defenses that i've worked so hard to build. i risked a tender time in my life, an anniversary of sorts, risked being happy again. i was foolish in having believed that this amazing person could live up to all that i'd forsaken.

i came out here hell bent on not falling in love. i decided to fuck whoever, whenever, and for whatever reason i wanted to. i decided not to invest and not to divulge. i was not going to be vulnerable again, not to another person. if i was going to be vulnerable it would be to the sea and the sky and the goddess. but not... not... to another person.

i failed. and the sad part is, that he didn't even know how vulnerable i was. he didn't know about the rapes. he didn't know about the disappointments. he didn't know about the losses. still doesn't. what he did know was that i had had episodes of life-threatening behaviors. he knew i didn't get along with my family. he knew that pie had broken me. that's all. he didn't realize the depths i had allowed him to reach. so, how could he realize the fathoms i would have to climb to return to surface?

i won't fail again. i'm cutting myself off from that involvement again. from that vulnerability and trust-giving. i won't allow that to happen again. i can't. for my sanity, for my life blood, i can't.

i lay in bed at night and my stomach aches. my nearest thought is that driving a stake through my core would satisfy the ache. my hands pushing something solid and thick through my abdomen to my back. this would dull it, dull me, allow me peace. i wake in the morning and pass by blades. blades that reflect slivers of my face and call me in a siren song. blades i touch to remind myself of their proximity. in the evening i nurse the burn on my thigh. the perfect round circle red and sore. agitating the burn, re-inflicting the pain so as not to have to do it again.

i avoid the mirrors that scream to me and remind me that i haven't run in a week. i avoid the bank statements that show me how in debt i am, the debt that keeps me from going out and finding life, distraction, fun.

the only thing i can't avoid is rushing to the computer screen every couple hours, checking to see if anyone has remembered me. if anyone has thought of me. the answer is usually no. the phone hasn't rung. there's no email. the postman delivers only bills i can't pay.

this feels familiar. this feels all too much like it did. these are the feelings that lost me last time. these are the circumstances that lost me last time. the heartbreak, the loneliness, the debt, the stillness. this is why i just need to sleep.